“I’ve learned a lot, though, since then. Since being with West and helping out at the center. Sexuality is a spectrum, and there’s no one way to be gay, straight, bi, pan, or anything.”
I had no fucking clue what pan even was.
“I think sometimes we limit ourselves or close ourselves off to ideas or possibilities, refusing to let ourselves see or feel things for, well, a shit ton of reasons—fear, society, how we’ve been raised, our own preconceived notions.”
“You’ve been thinking about this a lot?” I asked, trying to be playful, while his words stumbled around inside my brain.
“Yeah, we meet so many people at the center, and I was telling West how crazy it is to me, how many stories there are, ya know? As I said, I always knew, so I assumed it was like that for everyone and they just denied it, but hell, nothing in life is black and white. Why should sexuality be? West just hired this guy who’s demisexual. I’d never even heard of that. He’d always thought there was something wrong with him because sex just didn’t do it for him. He didn’t feel sexually attracted to others. But then he met a guy and fell in love, and now it’s totally different. He just needed that emotional connection for the rest to fall into place.”
My head was spinning. Not that I thought that could be me, because I did experience sexual attraction, but just knowing there were options was mind-blowing.
Then I thought about myself and the fact that I’d never met someone I wanted to have a serious relationship with. Not falling in love was one thing, but never even wanting to try for more with someone? That felt…off. I often thought I wasn’t capable of that kind of romantic love. Sure, I loved a lot of people in my life, but never with romantic intent.
Christ, I didn’t know what to think or feel about anything. “I’m so confused,” I teased, making Anson chuckle.
“I hear ya, man. I didn’t mean to go off about it. Why were you asking, anyway? If I always knew?”
Because I had a thing with Jeremy, and I keep thinking about him, and keep picturing it in my head, and I have no fucking clue what it means…or what I want to do about it, if I figure it out.
“Just curious. I want to do better, is all.” And while that wasn’t the only reason, it was true. I did want to do better, and the more I knew, the more I could do that. “That food done or what?”
“I’m pretty sure you always have either food or sex on your brain.” He nodded toward the house. “Come on. Let’s go eat.”
I was lying in bed that night when I called Jeremy. I’d almost forced myself to do it from downstairs or to choose a chair or something. The last time I’d spoken to him in bed was the night of the incident, but I was determined not to let myself keep being a dick about this. Yes, I had things to figure out, but I wasn’t going to let it affect our friendship. I wasn’t going to let it make things weird.
He usually answered quickly, and for a minute I thought he was going to let me go to voice mail, when I heard, “Hey,” in a softer version of his voice.
“Hey.”
“Long time, no talk…though I guess it hasn’t really been that long. Only about a week. It feels like more time has passed, probably because we were talking daily and…well, we did text… I’m rambling.”
I smiled. “I hear that.”
“I don’t like it. I’m not a rambler. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt insecure about my sexuality.”
I liked that about him, how honest he was. I’d always prided myself on being the same way, but I wasn’t doing that in this situation, was I? “I’m sorry. I don’t ever want to make you feel that way.”
“You said at least we didn’t touch…as if there was something wrong with it if we had.”
I rubbed a hand over my face. “So we’re gonna jump right in, are we?”
Jeremy sighed. “I think we have to. But I also want to say, I get it. And however you tell me you identify, I’ll respect that. No matter what happened that night, I don’t get to decide how someone else labels themself, just like you can’t make that choice for me. So when I tell you it hurt when you said it’s not like we touched, I understand that your label is straight, which means you’re not attracted to men, but that wasn’t what it felt like you meant when you said it.”
“I didn’t mean it that way,” I rushed out without really thinking through my words. “Okay…at the time, it was kinda what I meant, but not completely. I don’t know what that says about me or how I feel about it, but…it’s confusing. I’m confused. It’s all this tangled knot in my head. You have to understand, I’ve only ever been attracted to women. I’ve never wanted a man that way. I’ve never been with a man that way. Then all of a sudden, what feels like out of the blue, I’m listening to you talk, and it’s getting me hard, and my hand is around my cock, and…I wanted it in that moment. I wanted to keep going. I wanted more. I wanted you.”