Something about what he’d just said made my breathing pick up. “What do you mean?”
Elias frowned. “You.” He shrugged. “You’re just you. Come on, Ans. You know how you are. You’ve always needed to be the best. You were always the guy who had to do everything the right way. When your buddies got into trouble, you never did. You’ve always thought you had to be perfect, like you’re…I don’t know, trying to make up for something or like it’s the only way you feel worthy. It’s a thing. It’s always been a thing. You don’t know this about yourself?”
No, no I didn’t. My gaze darted away.
“Holy shit, you don’t.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” But the truth was, now that he’d said it, I knew he was right. His words made so many things fit into place. “I went out with you once when I wasn’t supposed to, and look what happened.”
My brother’s eyes went cold in a way that made ice spread through me. He’d never looked at me that way. “Fuck you, Anson. Don’t do that shit. You don’t get to blame yourself for my accident. Not only was it not your fault, but if you blame yourself, you’re basically saying there’s something wrong with the way I am, and there’s not. I’m exactly the way I’m supposed to be, and it won’t ever hold me back from getting exactly what I want out of life.”
Guilt flooded me. “I didn’t mean…” But it didn’t matter what I meant; what mattered was what I’d said or thought. I relaxed against the back of the couch and rubbed a hand over my face. “There’s no one in this world I respect more than you, and if what I said was demeaning in any way, I’m sorry. You’re right. There’s nothing wrong with you, and I know there’s nothing in this world you can’t do.”
He sighed. “I’m sorry I snapped at you. I know who you are. You say there’s no one you respect more than me, and I feel the same way about you. That big fucking heart of yours makes you feel responsible for everyone and everything, and you’re not. My accident was just that—an accident. End of discussion. And you don’t have to be perfect all the time. You don’t have to be who and what everyone expects you to be.”
My heart plummeted. Was he hinting he knew? The back of my neck tingled, and my gut ached. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Exactly what I said. You are who Mama wants you to be and who your friends want you to be. You act like Darren when you’re around him, and the perfect son with Mom, and the perfect brother with me. Sometimes I wonder if you know who you are at all.”
Now it was my turn to be offended. “Hey, that’s a shitty thing to say. I know who I am, and I don’t try to be anyone I’m not.” But that was a lie, and going by the look Elias gave me, he knew it. The truth was, I wasn’t sure I could be anything else. I didn’t know how not to be the friend Darren needed me to be, or the son Mom needed me to be—hell, even the brother Elias needed. I wanted to take care of them all because I loved them. What was wrong with that?
And yet, the only time I ever felt like I was able to just be was when I was with West or talking to him, which was so damn fucked up, I tried to shut down what it meant.
Elias said, “Sometimes…sometimes I think you believe that, and other times I don’t. There’s something going on with you, Ans. There always has been. When you don’t think people are watching, you let it show some. You’re sad, and you’re alone, and I wish you would tell me why.”
My fucking hands started to tremble. I shoved to my feet. How we’d gone from our video game to this, I couldn’t say, but I sure as shit wanted to go back to an easier topic. I wasn’t sad, and I wasn’t alone… Was I? “You want something to drink?” I asked, rather than letting myself answer, even in my own brain.
Elias followed me into the kitchen. “I wish you would let me be to you the brother you are to me.”
“I do. You’re my best friend. There’s nothing I need to talk about.” Lies, lies, lies. There was plenty I needed to talk about, but I couldn’t. Elias had zeroed in on the reason. I needed to be perfect. I couldn’t handle letting down people I cared about. I needed to be exactly who they wanted me to be.
“Fine, whatever. Just know that I’m here.”
I grabbed a bottle of water for each of us from the fridge and tossed his to him.