I fought to keep my focus and thoughts steady, tried to push West from them. We finished the conversation, then made our way to our seats just as the first presenter began his speech, sharing statistics about childhood cancer.
I shifted in my seat, glancing around the room. I found West at another table. The man who’d been his date that time West had sneaked out of a fundraiser to talk to me was sitting beside him. I’d seen photos of them online and had asked about him once.
The hairs on the back of my neck stood, and my muscles tightened. What had West said his name was? Brandon. What was he doing there? I hadn’t known he would be in attendance, and it really shouldn’t fucking matter, and how in the hell had politics and sports suddenly gotten so entwined that West and I were both at the same event?
My eyes shot to the stage when I heard them announce “Jeremy Gaines” and everyone began clapping. I turned quickly to West again to see him smile up at his best friend, making another spike of jealousy stab through me.
Get it the fuck together, man.
Jeremy spoke about having cancer as a child, something I hadn’t known, and that made the ache intensify. He was important to West, and we weren’t able to spend enough time together to talk about things like that. When we spoke, it was all about us, soaking in every moment we had.
There were more speakers after Jeremy, talking about donations and the upcoming silent auction later in the evening. I struggled to stay still and kept finding myself moving in my seat and looking at West.
Before I knew it, the speakers had finished and music started playing. People traveled out of the room and into the next, where the auction items were. Darren and I had both donated signed jerseys and game tickets.
We got another drink and ended up chatting with Murphy Lowe, the quarterback for Dallas.
“Hope you’re not getting too used to being the champion,” he teased.
“We’ll be getting another ring next year,” Darren countered, and oh, there was West. He was standing with Jeremy, Brandon, and a group of men and women I didn’t know.
“If Hawkins pays attention next season like he’s doing right now, I wouldn’t be so sure,” Lowe said, and that I heard. Damn it. I needed to stop obsessing about West.
“Sorry. You guys just aren’t that interesting,” I joked, and the group laughed. “But I’ll be paying attention and dominating on the field. I can promise you that.”
The conversation went on. I wished I could have another drink, but I had to drive home later. Eventually, I saw West and Brandon go toward the dance floor, and my insides felt like they were decaying.
“I, um…need the restroom,” I lied before separating from the group. I was losing my shit for no reason. I knew that, but all I could think about was how West was mine, and no one knew, and it was all my fucking fault.
I willed him to look at me, kept my eyes on him as I walked, but he didn’t. West just danced and spoke to Brandon in a way I would never be able to give him.
I leaned against the sink in the bathroom, hands clutching the edges as I stared at myself. “Get it the fuck together, Hawkins.”
I took a few deep breaths and tried to calm myself down, to lower my heart rate that was currently spiking like I was running a fucking marathon.
“It’s fine. You can do this. It’ll be okay,” I said to the me in the mirror.
But for how long? How long would it be okay? I wasn’t built for this. It wasn’t how I worked.
I stalled for as long as I could. Eventually, I really did take a leak, then washed my hands and left the restroom.
Mia had lingered in the hallway, and the second I saw her, I stumbled. “Oh, hey.”
“Are you okay?” she asked. “You seem…off tonight.”
Fuck. I wasn’t surprised she’d noticed. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just tired. I’ve been trying a new workout and diet plan, and I’m not sure it’s agreeing with me.”
She nodded slowly but didn’t seem to believe me. “We’re friends, right?”
“Yeah, yeah of course.” Where the hell was this going? My chest ached, and I tried to keep my breathing under control.
“You know how I feel about you. As much as I joke around with you, I understand that you don’t feel the same. I always thought maybe one day…” She waved her hand. “That’s not important. I just want to say that regardless, I’m your friend first, okay? I know you’re besties with my boneheaded brother, but I care about you too. Your friendship means the world to me, and if you ever need to talk, I’m always here.”