I don’t know how long we kiss, but it’s not long enough. He’s the one who pulls away. He leans his forehead against mine and we’re both left gasping for air. I look down to the hand at my waist, where he’s bunched my skirt into his fist, exposing my thighs and the knife. If Sebastian notices, he doesn’t say.
Blowing out a breath, he opens his hand and steps back. “Sorry.” He drags a hand over his face, closes his eyes, and curses softly. “I didn’t come here to seduce you. I came to invite you to tonight’s Litha celebration.”
A celebration, meaning more gowns and dancing and pretending I have nothing better to do than watch other girls flirt with Sebastian. Girls who don’t already know how they’ll lose him. “I think you know which of those options tempts me more.” I extend a tentative hand, brushing a finger along his knuckles. “You don’t need to apologize for kissing me.”
His lips twist into a lopsided smile. “I don’t?”
“I kissed you back.”
“I know, but . . .” He blows out another breath and puts another step between us, as if he doesn’t trust himself. “Everything’s gotten so complicated.”
I can’t argue with that. And yet . . . “Why do you say that?”
“That first night I saw you in the gardens, I was so happy. I knew you were here for Jas, and yet . . .” He swallows. “Just seeing you on my lands was more than I ever imagined. Then, when you ran from me, I realized I needed to give up whatever hope I felt in that moment. You hated my kind too much—and right then you hated me too.”
“I didn’t hate you,” I whisper. “I was shocked and hurt. Maybe I wanted to hate you, but I couldn’t.”
He swallows hard and backs away. Just one more step, but it feels like a mile. “When you said you wanted to stay here, I couldn’t let go of the hope that you might change your mind. And every day I see you here in my palace with my people, it’s harder to ignore.”
I close the distance between us and take his hand, unwilling to accept what he’s trying to say, even if I need to.
He toys with my fingers. “I know you never wanted to be my bride. I know that’s not what keeps you here. When you were missing this morning, it was a painful reminder that you’ve always intended this stay to be temporary—a means to an end. But I can’t imagine spending my life with anyone else. You’re the one who’s always made me laugh. You’re the one who makes me feel like I can still be me without letting my duty to my crown swallow me whole. And yet that same duty might require losing you.”
My gut twists with guilt. Does he know something? Does he suspect that I am stealing from his kingdom? “How . . . why would you say that?”
“My mother is pressuring me to choose my bride,” he says, his eyes downcast, as if he’s confessing something shameful. “She informed me last night that I have until the next new moon to make my decision.”
“That’s just over three weeks away.” My chest aches. It hurts to take a full breath. He’ll be choosing a bride, and while I should be focused on what this means for my access to the castle, jealousy burns a hole in my gut and demands my attention. “Why so soon?”
“She wants me to have a queen. Someone who can support me. Ruling . . .” He shifts his gaze to the window, staring out across the gardens. “It gets lonely. And she wants me to have a partner before she begins to transition her power.”
“Have you made a choice?” I don’t really want to know. I have no right to feel anything about Sebastian’s future bride, yet this jealousy feels as if it might tear me apart from the inside.
Finally he lifts his head and meets my eyes again. “I tell myself it doesn’t matter. Among the nobility, marriages are more often about power and alliances than about love. But then I think about you leaving and . . . Brie, if there is any chance that you could be happy living here, that’s what I want. I want you as my queen.”
I feel like the room is closing in around me. I can’t imagine what that life would look like—life as a princess of a kingdom that imprisons people fleeing a hostile land. But if Sebastian and I ruled, we would change all that.
Could I possibly be a force for good in this world? Not just another queen never wanting for anything and ruling over others, but a queen of change? But no. That’s not even a choice. When Sebastian knows the truth, he won’t want me anymore. Lark’s vision assured me of that.