When I saw him again at my college graduation, I flirted with him endlessly during his stay until he finally put me straight, telling me that I was a child playing an adult’s game. He wasn’t wrong either. But that was after he had given in and kissed me. It was my first and only kiss, and I remember it just as if it had happened yesterday instead of a little over a year ago. I should have listened to him tell me he wasn’t interested in me but damn, that kiss. I still dream about his lips on mine and the way he held me so close. His arms had held me so possessively and so close. I remember the way his body had reacted to our closeness, feeling his hardness against my softness. That kiss told me exactly how he felt, and I knew he was fighting his feelings for me. I wasn’t going to give up, I wanted him more than I wanted anything in my whole life. He and Jason went back to base shortly after that, and it wasn’t long before we got the call about Jason. When he died, it seemed like everything fell apart. My parents divorced and moved to opposite ends of the country. And it seemed my connection to Patton died with my brother.
“Tell me about him. Tell me about Patton.” Dr. Steven interrupts my thoughts.
I lean my head back on the couch and stare up at the ceiling. I clench my eyes shut when I remember him pushing me away after that hot kiss. I should have been embarrassed, but I wasn’t. “He’s beautiful, inside and out. He has no family. Technically, my family was probably the closest thing he ever had to a family. He was raised in foster care and joined the army right after high school. That’s when he met my brother Jason. He went the medical route, while Jason was more infantry, but they still were very close. Jason brought him home the first time at my eighteenth birthday. I sent him care packages every time I sent one to Jason because I hated to think he wouldn’t get one.” I laugh and shake my head. “I remember thinking my brother would get mad about it, because he was always so protective of me, but with Patton, he wasn’t. My brother liked me sending Patton packages, and every time I talked to him, he would always mention that Patton would ask about me.” I cross my arms on my chest. “Patton came home again for my college graduation.” I pull my necklace out from under my shirt and show her the heart pendant necklace he had given me as a present. “He gave me this. He said it was because I had the biggest heart of anyone he knew.” I smile at the memory and then lean forward to rest my arms on my legs. “And then I kissed him. I couldn’t stop myself, and it was the best kiss ever, but he broke it off and basically told me he wasn’t interested. I was embarrassed, but I wasn’t going to give up. It’s hard to give up on someone that you think about every day.”
“Have you seen him since your brother’s death?”
I nod. “Yeah, at the funeral a year ago. He gave me his number, and I’ve tried calling him, but he doesn’t respond.... I should probably give up,” I say, realizing how desperate I must sound.
Dr. Stevens leans forward. “So I guess it’s safe to say that your brother was like a brother to Patton?”
I nod instantly. “Absolutely.”
She asks, “So was he stationed with Jason when Jason passed?”
I take a deep breath. I’ve come to terms with my brother passing. It’s still hard, and I think about him every day, but there’s comfort knowing that Jason was doing what he loved when he was killed. He loved serving his country more than anything. Plus, he wouldn’t want me to be sad. “Patton was there. He didn’t tell me, but a few of the other guys did. I guess Patton even saved Cole and Jeremy, who were also friends of Jason’s.”
“But he didn’t save your brother...”
My eyes snap to Dr. Stevens, and I’m instantly on the defensive. “I have no doubt he would have if he could. There was no saving him; he was already too far gone by then.”
Dr. Stevens’ hands go up in front of her, and her eyes soften. “I know that just by the way you talk about Patton I’m sure he would have done everything for him... and obviously you know that. But what about Patton? Does he have any guilt about Jason’s death?”
“No!” I say instantly, but then my mind starts to whirl. Images flash back to me at the funeral, and the way that Patton apologized to me over and over and the way he couldn’t look me in the eye. Did he feel guilty? “At least I don’t think so... He shouldn’t.”