The addition of space between us feels cold and she crosses her arms over her chest.
“It’s just,” she starts, and then pauses as if trying to find the right words. Taking in a breath, her eyes lock onto me. “You’re so great. And Felicity is getting close to you, but Shane is such a problem for us. This is going to be a psychological upheaval to her, and me as well. And then I have a new job to deal with, and a sister I’m trying to get back into the world. It’s a lot, Jett, and there’s not much room to cut my responsibilities. I can’t let Felicity go, Shane’s not going away, Jenna is my sister, and I can’t give up my job.”
“I’m not sure where you’re going with this,” I say, but I actually do. She’s being vague where she’s normally a plain-spoken woman.
“I’m scared,” she finally admits with a sigh. “I’m scared of what you make me feel and I’m terrified of making a commitment to you. Shane pulling this shit only serves to remind me that once upon a time, he was a great guy too. It only took one accident and a pain killer addiction to change him.”
“Whoa,” I snap at her, holding a hand up. “You’re comparing me to Shane?”
“No,” she insists with her arms open to the sides in a silent appeal for me to give her a chance to explain. “I’m not comparing you at all. You’re not like him in any way because the ultimate fuel for his addiction was insecurity and low self-esteem. That’s not you and I don’t think it’s possible for you to ever let anything rule your life that way.”
“Then what’s the problem?” I ask in frustration, because none of this is making sense.
“I’m scared,” she says, an assertion she already made. “I’m scared because what I’m feeling for you is deeper than anything I’ve felt before. Deeper than anything I ever felt for Shane, and I know I have the potential to get hurt far worse.”
That catches me off guard and my breath freezes.
“I’m afraid of getting hurt again, and I’m afraid I can’t give you what you need because I’m being pulled in so many directions right now. I’m just… afraid where you’re concerned, and I can’t explain it any better than that.”
“I don’t know what to say,” I mutter, glancing away from her as I ponder her words.
“I know it sounds trite, but this isn’t you. It’s me and my insecurities. I feel out of control with you, Jett. And when my life is stable, that’s an amazing feeling and I never want to let it go. But right now, I feel ready to break into a million pieces because of Shane and how I need to get Felicity through this. And I have this irrational fear of being hurt by you, and I know that sounds ludicrous. I’m just a mess of feelings.”
“You want to break up?” I ask slowly, because I’m still confused as fuck.
She shakes her head. “No, I don’t think that’s what I want. I just want some time to handle things. To focus on Felicity and get this thing with Shane under control. I want a break, because when I’m with you, you make me forget everything else. Some would say that’s a good thing, but with you… it’s not. You’d make me forget the world and I can’t afford to do that right now.”
There’s part of what she’s saying that makes me feel good. That she feels so deeply for me, it’s become a complication.
I suppose that’s better than her not feeling nearly enough for me to keep me around.
I think.
Fuck if I know.
I’ve never had a serious girlfriend before.
“So you want a break?” I ask for clarification.
“I’m not sure,” she replies in a pained whisper.
“You want me to stay away? Not contact you?”
She nods. “I mean… I know we’ll run into each other, but…”
Her words trail off.
We’ll run into each other.
That sounds like a long fucking break to me, and I don’t like the sound of that at all.
My choices are clear. I can give her what she asks for and wait for her.
Or I can cut things off right now and be on my way, because while I’m apparently a complication to her, she’s become a complication to me now that my heart got tied up.
I do the only thing I can do. Stepping into her, I dip my head and kiss her on the cheek. Pulling back, I look her in the eye. “You call me when you’re ready to give this a go again, okay?”
Relief floods her eyes, followed by wetness. I don’t want to see those tears drop so I give her an understanding smile and move past her to the door.
CHAPTER 26