Still holding Michael, Daniel got up and walked over to her as she placed the tray on his desk. He spoke quietly for a moment, then called the twins over. They snapped into action with an obedience that confirmed Rachel’s suspicions that Daniel had issued a severe scold to both of them.
A moment later Michael was going trustingly into the other woman’s arms, and she took the children out while Daniel turned his attention to the coffee.
He didn’t speak, not until he had offered her the strong drink and sat himself down beside her to watch her drink the whole cupful.
‘Right. What happened?’ he said quietly then.
She shrugged guiltily. ‘I’ve been impatient with them,’ she admitted. ‘Today perhaps more than usual. They were feeling neglected, I think—pushed away. So they went in search of comfort elsewhere.’ She put down her cup when the tears threatened to come again. ‘I thought they’d gone to your mother’s…I searched everywhere for them…B-But it never entered my h-head that they m-might try to come h-here!’
‘It’s OK.’ He covered her twisting hands. ‘Don’t upset yourself any more. They’re fine. You’ve seen that they’re fine.’
She nodded, fighting to get hold of herself.
‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered after a while.
‘What for?’ His head shot round to stare at her.
‘For being a poor mother to your children,’ she said. ‘For intruding,’ she added, ‘here.’
‘Sometimes, Rachel,’ Daniel sighed impatiently, ‘I wonder what actually goes on in that head of yours!’
‘Did you smack them?’
He frowned at the abrupt change of subject. Then, ‘No, I managed to control that particular urge,’ he said drily. ‘But that didn’t stop my tongue! What they did was stupid, dangerous and downright wilful!’ Angrily he shook his dark head. ‘Sammy took his medicine on the chin, but Kate was appalled.’ He grimaced. ‘I don’t think I’ve ever shouted at her like that before.’
‘She’ll forgive you,’ Rachel assured him. Kate adored her darling daddy.
‘Not if she’s like her mother she won’t,’ he grunted, and Rachel lowered her eyes.
‘It—it isn’t a case of forgiveness,’ she murmured. ‘It’s trying to forget it I find I can’t do. You shattered my whole world, Daniel!’
‘I know.’ Grimly he looked down at their clasped hands. ‘Shattered my own at the same time, if you must know. Not that that means anything.’ He shrugged. ‘I deserved it. You didn’t.’
‘Then why did you do it?’ she asked in wretched bewilderment.
Daniel sighed, the sound seeming to come from deep inside his rigid chest, and he let go of her hand so that he could rake his fingers through his hair.
‘Because she was there,’ he answered brutally, and winced at Rachel’s dismayed gasp.
‘Y-You must have hurt her very badly.’
‘Did I?’ His mouth twisted cynically. ‘She isn’t of your ilk, Rachel. Women like Lydia have thicker skins. They don’t hurt that easily.’
‘And that makes it all right, does it?’
‘No.’ Hunching forward, he rested his elbows on his spread knees and stared grimly at the carpet. ‘But I can’t feel guilt for her hurt feelings when she gave no thought to mine.’
Rachel frowned at that, not understanding what he was getting at.
Daniel saw the frown and sighed again. ‘If I try to explain it all to you, Rachel,’ he offered, ‘will you listen?’
Would she? Did she want to know? Could she take the full sordid truth of it? Her eyes drifted away from him, pained and bleak, soft mouth quivering with a vulnerable uncertainty.
His hand came out to cover hers, warm and strengthening. ‘Please,’ he asked again. ‘You were and still are the only woman I have ever loved, Rachel. If you can’t let yourself hear anything else, then, please—hear that, because it’s the truth.’
‘Then why Lydia?’ she flashed, spinning her head back to lash him with her eyes.
His mouth straightened, the attractive curve of his lips becoming lost in the grim tight line. He took his hand away, letting it drop loosely between his spread knees. ‘Because,’ he said, ‘for a short while last year, I lost control—not just with what was happening to you and me,’ he enlarged, ‘but here too.’ His grey eyes skimmed the length of his plush office. ‘Lydia was a safety-valve. Pure and simple, very basic.’ He fixed her with a grim look. ‘I was under terrible pressure, and I used her, quite frankly, to relieve some of it.’