It happened again. I stopped listening.
The rest of the meeting continued, but I didn’t say another word. There wasn’t anything to say anymore.
Kellan and I drove in silence the whole way back to his house, and my mind wouldn’t shut up, replaying the word cancer over and over again.
My brother, my hero, my best friend had cancer.
And I could no longer breathe.
***
When Kellan told me that Erika wanted to stop somewhere before she dropped me off at Ma’s, I wouldn’t have imagined us sitting in aisle five of a store for over twenty minutes. It had been a full day since Logan told me the news about his health, and I only thought about using drugs every minute to cope—which was better than every second. Erika had a different kind of addiction that helped her cope with stress, though, called Pottery Barn.
“How long are we going to be here?” I asked Erika, as we stood in front of a display of overpriced plates. We’d been standing there for at least twenty minutes, as she contemplated which new sets of plates to pick up, seeing as how she broke pretty much all of the china in their house.
“Will you hush,” she ordered, her arms crossed, her eyes narrowed, and her mind obviously still completely insane. “This takes time.”
“Not really.” I gestured toward a set. “Look. Plates. Oh, look, more plates. Gee, what do we have here, Erika? Why, I think it’s plates.”
“Why do you have to be so difficult all the time? I was really hoping over these five years that you would’ve grown up a bit.”
“Sorry to disappoint. But seriously, can we get going?”
She gave me an annoyed look. “Why are you in such a rush to go see your mother anyway? You’ve been gone five years, leaving Kellan to handle everything. He had to be there when she fell apart, and you didn’t even check in on her. You never called her or anything, so why now?”
“Because my brother has cancer, my mother’s an addict, and I feel like a shit son and brother for leaving and never coming back. Is that what you want to hear, Erika? I get it, I’m a fuck up. But if you could honestly just take two seconds to stop throwing it in my face, that would be really freaking nice.”
She huffed once, rocking back and forth in her heels. Her stare turned from me, to the plates before us, and we went back to our silence.
Five minutes. Ten minutes. Fifteen-fucking-minutes.
“That one,” she nodded, pointing in front of her. “I’ll take that one. Grab two sets, Logan.”
Turning on her heels, she headed off in the direction of the cashier, leaving me flabbergasted. “Why am I getting two sets?!” I shouted. She didn’t bother to answer me, she just hurried off.
Juggling the two sets in my arms, I staggered to the front of the shop, setting the boxes down in front of the cashier. Erika and I remained quiet until the cashier told us the final pricing of the plates.
“One hundred and eight dollars, and twenty-three cents.”
“You have got to be shitting me,” I choked out. “You’re going to pay over one hundred bucks for plates?”
“That’s none of your business what I do with my money.”
“Yeah, but come on, Erika. You could easily buy some cheap plates from a dollar store or something, seeing how you’ll probably break them tomorrow anyway.”
“I don’t question what Kellan spends his money on, or should I say who he spends it on. So I’d rather you not question my spending choices.”
“You knew Kellan was giving me money?”
“Of course I knew, Logan. If there’s one thing Kellan is, it’s a bad liar. I don’t care that he’s giving you the money, but,” she sighed, and her eyes softened as she turned my way. For the first time since I returned, she looked defeated. “Don’t let him down, Logan. He’s tired. He won’t act like he is, but he is. He’s exhausted. You being back here makes him happy. You’re good for him right now. Just stay good, okay? Please don’t let him down.”
“I swear I’m not using, Erika. That’s not just some bullshit that I’ve been saying. I really am clean.” We each grabbed a box and walked to her car, putting them in the trunk before we hopped into the car and she started driving to Ma’s apartment.
She nodded. “I believe you. But, we are about to go see your mom, and I know how much a trigger she was for you.”
“I’m not the same kid I was.”
“Yeah. I hear you. But trust me. Your mom is the same person she was back then. Sometimes I think people don’t really change.”