He got a cheesy grin. “After all this time, after everything you guys went through, it’s still there, huh?”
“It’s just sex, Kellan. And we have only done it once. No commitment. No strings. Just a way to let loose.”
“No. It’s never been just sex between you two. Just to be clear, I always liked you guys together. Erika hated it, but I loved it.”
“Speaking of Erika, let’s not tell her. She’d freak out.”
“Freak out about what?” Erika said, walking back into the room with coffee in her left hand and a textbook in her right. She’d been taking night classes for her master’s degree, and when she wasn’t taking care of Kellan, her head was in a book. Sometimes even when she was taking care of Kellan, her head was still in a book.
“I broke a saucer at your house by accident,” I lied.
She glanced up from her book. “What?!”
“My bad.”
She started questioning me about every detail of the incident with the plate that I didn’t even really break, and Kellan smirked at me, before closing his eyes and waiting to finish his chemotherapy treatment.
***
Thirty-two hours after Kellan had his chemotherapy, he was determined to play a show
at a bar. Erika and I both tried to talk him out of it, but he refused, telling us that he couldn’t just give up his dream. A black baseball cap sat on his head every day now, as he tried to hide the proof that he was losing his hair, but I knew better.
We never talked about it, though.
Kellan’s breaths were heavy as we walked from the house to the car, as if the few steps were almost deadly to him. That worried me so much.
“See, guys?” He took a deep inhale followed by a deeper exhale. Erika helped him into the passenger seat. “I’m fine.”
Erika grimaced for a moment, before giving him a fake smile. “You’re really doing great. I can’t wait to see in a few weeks how the chemo is working, because I know it is. I just have a feeling. And I love that we are keeping our normal lives, too. That you’re still playing the guitar at places. Routine is important, the doctors say. This is good. This is all good.” Erika kept repeating the words, and I placed a comforting hand toward the front passenger seat where Kellan sat.
I saw him give me a weak smile through the rearview mirror.
We only made it a few blocks before we had to pull over the car. Kellan launched from his seat, and started throwing up on the side of the road. Erika and I both rushed to his side, holding him steady so he wouldn’t fall over.
This cancer was becoming more real each day.
I hated it.
I hated everything about this disgusting disease. How it took the strongest people in the world and forced them to be weak. How it not only touched your loved ones, but sucked them dry.
If there were a magic pill I could have to take away all of his pain and transfer it to me, I’d take it every day of my life.
My brother didn’t deserve to be going through his current struggles.
No human did.
I wouldn’t wish cancer on my worst enemy.
We got him back to the car and drove straight home, knowing there was no way Kellan could’ve performed in his current state. When we arrived to their house, both Erika and I had to help him walk into his bedroom.
“I’m fine,” he said, his voice exhausted. “I just need a little sleep. I should’ve planned the show further away from the chemo. Just a stupid mistake.”
“I’ll be in the living room studying if you need anything, okay hun?” Erika said, helping him lie down, and then covering him up. She kissed his nose, and he closed his eyes.
“Okay.”
She left the room, and I stayed behind, watching his chest rise and fall. He looked so skinny that it made me ill. How can I fix you? What can I do to make this right?