My feet took me closer to the stage, and I stood in front of her, listening to the words that I used to whisper into her ear when we were young. She was so beautiful, so free, when she played her music. When she let go, it had a way of making everyone around her feel as if they were free, too. For a few moments as she sang, I was convinced that the chains of life were removed. I was free right alongside her.
I knew Lori was being a great friend, protecting Alyssa the way she did, but what she didn’t know is that for me, Alyssa was it. She was the girl in my heart. Even though such a big part of me tried to deny the feelings I held for her, another part of me was still desperate with the want, the need, the love that only she was able to create in my soul.
Alyssa finished her song, thanked her listeners, and then turned toward the audience. I hadn’t moved. Her beautiful eyes found my stare. She took a deep breath and shivered a bit when she released it. Her footsteps toward me were tentative. When we stood in front of each other, we kind of smiled, yet kind of frowned, too.
“Hi,” she said.
“Hey,” I replied.
We frowned and smiled.
“Can I walk you home?” I asked.
“Okay,” she replied.
When we stepped outside, it was still raining. Alyssa shared her polka dot umbrella with me the whole way to her house. “You were amazing up there, Alyssa. Better than I’ve ever heard you perform. Better than I ever heard anyone perform, actually.”
She didn’t reply, but her lips curved up.
Once we reached her porch, she opened her mouth to invite me in, and I shook my head. “I can’t anymore.”
The sting of disappointment hit her blue eyes. Then the embarrassment reddened her cheeks. “Oh, yeah. No big deal.” I could tell that I hurt her with my simple words.
I was so tired.
It had been such a long day.
A long life.
A long, tiring life.
“I relapsed, Alyssa.” I rubbed my fingers against my forehead.
Her eyes shot from embarrassment to worry. “What? What happened? How? With what?”
My voice lowered, and I shrugged. “With you.”
“What?”
“I came back, and my world was rocked again. I was back in my past, except this time it was worse because my brother was sick, and I went straight to my greatest high to help me forget for a while. I went to you. You’ve always been my safe haven, High. You’ve been my escape route from all of the crap that surrounded me. But it’s not fair to you, or to me. I want to get clean. I want to be able to stand up and not find the need to forget, which means I can’t relapse again, and we can’t keep doing this. We can’t keep sleeping together. But I need you.”
“Lo…”
“Wait. Let me get this out because it’s been spinning in my mind for so long no
w. I know I’m not the same boy I was back then, but parts of that guy still linger within me. And I know we said the sex wouldn’t mean anything, but I think we know that it meant everything, which is why we can’t do it anymore. But, I need you. I need you to be my friend. Everything in my life has been hard. Everything in life has made me hard. Except for you and Kellan.
“And I know it’s selfish of me to ask this of you right now. I know it’s selfish, because I need someone to hold me up while I try to hold my brother too, but I need you. I need you to be my friend again, but that’s it, because I can’t hurt you again. I can’t be with you, but I need you. I need you. We won’t talk about the past. We won’t worry about the future. But we’ll just be us, be friends. Here and now. If you’re okay with that? Because I miss laughing, and I always laughed with you. I miss talking, and I could always talk to you. I miss you. So, I was wondering, can we be friends again?”
She leaned against the doorframe, appearing deep in thought before a smile found her lips. “We never stopped being friends, Logan. We were just in a weird time out.”
Chapter Thirty-Four
Alyssa
As tensions between Logan and I finally calmed down and we found our way to a new friendship, the rocky waters between Kellan and Erika began to build. Late one night, after a bad doctor’s appointment, the two came into the house fighting, as I sat on their couch, setting up Kellan’s medicine that Erika asked me to get from the pharmacy. I’d been staying at their place for a few days, just in order to help out with things. Plus, I was worried about Kellan more than I wanted to admit.
“You’re not listening!” Kellan shouted, straining his voice.