She sighed and sat up straight. “Okay. So here’s what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna walk downstairs and head for the front door. When those thoughts start coming in your mind, you gotta keep walking, okay?”
I nodded. Okay, Mama.
“Even when you’re scared, you keep walking. And when the voices grow louder, you run. You run, Maggie May Riley. You run and run until you’re out.”
I took a deep breath.
“You’re scared?”
Two squeezes.
You’re scared?
Two squeezes from her.
“Okay. So let’s go.”
“Close your eyes and breathe,” Mama whispered, holding my hand. “Your father and I will get you to the car.”
When I took the first few steps, I felt my throat tightening. I wanted to wrap my hands around my neck and try to breathe, but I couldn’t, because Daddy and Mama were holding them tight. Was I okay? Could I breathe?
Daddy squeezed my hands twice. Yes. How could he hear the words I hadn’t said?
The next steps I took were even more painful. I needed to grab my neck. I needed to get his hands from around me. I needed to breathe. I can’t breathe.
Mama squeezed my hands twice. Yes, you can.
“Almost there,” Daddy said, taking more steps.
The more we walked, the looser his hands became around my neck. I envisioned Brooks. His smile. His laugh. His love. The further we walked, the easier the breaths became.
I paused my steps and opened my eyes. Daddy and Mama were staring at me, nervous.
“You okay, Maggie?” Daddy asked.
I took my hands from their grips, and raised them up to my chest, resting them against my heart. With one deep inhale, I took in the world, tasting the air, feeling the wind, allowing myself to slowly start unlocking the chains from my ankles.
With one long exhale, I took Daddy’s and Mama’s hands back and squeezed them twice.
Yes.
I’m okay.
Now it was time to make sure he was okay.
As we drove, I noticed it all. I noticed how the fabric of the car felt, and how the engine hiccupped every few minutes. I felt every bump we hit, and I stared at every light that flashed. It was surreal, being out of the house and seeing things I’d never seen. Buildings, trees, animals. It was all so overwhelming, almost like a dream. Yet, it was real. My chest was tight the drive. I stayed curled in a tight ball in the backseat, but I couldn’t for a second stop staring out of the window. There was so much to the world that I didn’t even know existed. There was so much that I’d been missing.
We arrived at the hospital hours later, and Brooks was still in surgery. The outside of the hospital was surrounded with fans of The Crooks—it seemed word traveled fast. Brooks’ parents and his brother, Jamie, were there, too, trying their best to not fall apart.
The lights of the hospital were bright. They hurt my eyes. I hadn’t remembered ever being around lights that were so bright. It smelled weird, too. Like cleaning products on top of cleaning products. There was so much commotion everywhere—nurses bumping into one another, items being dropped, families walking the hallways.
I closed my eyes and tried to focus. It was too much, too fast. I needed to slow my thoughts down. What if the devil was there? What if he could see me? What if he could touch me again? No. I needed to focus on something good, something that could keep me grounded. I needed to find peace. My fingers wrapped around my necklace.
Brooks. My anchor. My strength.
“Maggie,” Calvin choked out, standing from the private waiting room. “You—you’re here,” he stuttered, walking over to me. His arms wrapped tightly around my body. “You’re here.”
Within seconds the twins joined the hug, and we stood there for some time.