Her eyes narrowed and she tilted her head, studying me. I hated the way she stared at me. I hated how when our eyes locked, she stared as if she saw a part of my soul that I hadn’t even discovered. “Who hurt you?” she whispered.
“What?”
She stepped in closer to me, unfolded my clenched hand, and placed her number in my grasp. “Who hurt you so bad and made you so cold?”
When she left, my eyes followed her, but she didn’t once look back.
Three weeks passed before the doctors and nurses informed me it was time for Talon and me to go home. It took me over two hours to make sure the car seat was installed properly, along with having five different nurses check to make sure it was securely fastened.
I’d never driven so slowly in my life, and every time I turned to check on Talon, she was sleeping peacefully.
I’m going to fuck this up.
I knew I would. I knew nothing about being a fat
her. I knew nothing about taking care of a child. Jane would’ve been great at it. Sure, she never wanted children, but she was a perfectionist. She would’ve taught herself to become the best mother in the world. She would’ve been the better option when it came to one of us caring for Talon.
My having her felt like a cruel mistake.
“Shh,” I tried to soothe her as I carried the car seat into the house. She’d started crying the moment I took her out of the car, and my gut was tightened with nerves.
Is she hungry? Does she need a diaper change? Is she too hot? Too cold? Did she just miss an inhale? Are her lungs strong enough? Will she even make it through the night?
Once Talon was in her crib, I sat on the floor beside it. Any time she moved, I was up on my feet, checking on her. Any time she didn’t shift, I was up on my feet, checking on her.
I’m going to fuck this up.
The doctors were wrong. I knew they were. They shouldn’t have sent her home yet. She wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready. She was too small, and my hands were too big.
I’d hurt her.
I’d make a mistake that would cost Talon her life.
I can’t do this.
Pulling out my cell phone, I made a call to the number I’d been calling for weeks. “Jane, it’s me, Graham. I just wanted to let you know…Talon’s home. She’s okay. She’s not going to die, Jane, and I just wanted to let you know that. You can come home now.” My grip on the phone was tight, my voice stern. “Come home. Please. I can’t…I can’t do this without you. I can’t do this alone.”
It was the same message I’d left her multiple times since the moment the doctors told me Talon was going to be discharged. But still, Jane never came back.
That night was the hardest night of my life.
Every time Talon started screaming, I couldn’t get her to stop. Every time I picked her up, I was terrified I’d break her. Every time I fed her and she wouldn’t eat, I worried about her health. The pressure was too much. How could someone so small rely on me as her life support?
How was a monster supposed to raise a child?
Lucy’s question from the last time I saw her played over and over again in my head.
Who hurt me so bad and made me so cold?
The ‘who’ part was easy.
It was the reason that was blurred.
Eleventh Birthday
The boy stood still in the darkened hallway, unsure if his father wanted him to be noticed. He’d been home alone for some time that night, and felt safer when he was the only one there. The young boy was certain his father would come home intoxicated, because that was what the past had taught him. What he wasn’t certain of was which drunken version would walk through the front door this time.
Sometimes his father was playful, other times, extremely cruel.