Our Totally, Ridiculous, Made-Up Christmas Relationship

I venture over to Kate, Landon, and Jasmine, and sit in the chair across from them. Landon is the lawyer, Kate is the doctor, and I’m the actor. Guess who’s the disappointment of the bunch?

“Hey, Kayden.” Kate acknowledges me with a hello, but doesn’t look up from her intense game of Jenga. Kate is a few years older than I, and has a good head on her shoulders. She graduated a few years ago from med school and has been saving lives ever since. Our relationship is decent; it’s just that we don’t have much to talk about now that we have nothing in common.

Landon doesn’t say a word, but that’s fine, I don’t have shit to say to him either. Jasmine sits next to Landon, not looking toward me, but I know she wants to. If anything, she owes me a damn apology for what happened in the past, but I know I won’t get one any time soon. She snuggles her body closer to my brother and I let out a breath, wanting to disappear into the back room and watch Disney movies with Hailey.

“Oh! We drew secret Santa names at last Sunday’s dinner.” Mom walks over with a folded piece of paper and hands me mine. “Here ya go. Remember, over five dollars and under thirty.”

Landon releases a stiff laugh and an eye roll that’s directed toward me. “Something on your mind, Landon?” I say, leaning against the wall.

“Nope,” Landon huffs, rolling his eyes again.

I can’t stand his smugness; I feel the pressure of family life taking over and the need to escape growing stronger. “If you got something to say, get it out there.”

“Nope. Nothing. I just doubt you staying under a thirty-dollar limit will be a problem.” He reaches into his back pocket and pulls out his wallet. “Actually, here’s the five. Just so you can reach the minimum.”

I feel my fingers digging into the palms of my hands. He’s such a damn prick. “I’m good without your dirty lawyer money, bro. By the way, how are you doing, Jasmine? Landon, are you treating her right?” I spit the words out and feel a little guilty after saying them. The mocking tone is clear in my voice.

“Fuck off and get a real life, loser.” Landon grips the edge of the coffee table, knocking over the Jenga game. Kate is quick to yell, and begins to pick up the fallen pieces. Landon’s words float around my head and I can’t help but chuckle to myself.

If I had a penny for every time I’ve heard that…

Landon and I have a past that no one in the room knows about. Things we don’t talk about, but it’s those same things that piss us each off by just looking at one another.

“Kayden, must you be such an ass to your brother? He was trying to give you a helping hand,” Dad complains, sitting on the sofa. The lawyers have to stick together I guess. “By the way, I emailed you and called three times this week. We have a position opening at the firm…”

“Not interested.”

Dad arches an eyebrow and pulls out a cigar that he will probably chew on for the remainder of the night. “What?”

I don’t repeat myself, because no matter what I say, he’ll find a reason to disagree with it. For all these years I’ve been ‘given a chance’ to work as some lame lowly worker at Dad’s law firm. The last thing I want to do is be anywhere near that place. I hate just about everything Dad loves.

“I busted my ass to get you a chance at a better life, a better future. And this is how you act? This is how you show your gratitude?”

Nothing from me. I can feel myself growing more and more pissed. He could have told me this all in private, but that wouldn’t have been as entertaining for him. He prefers to have an audience when he tries to humiliate me.

“Damn actor. Actor my ass. How can you call yourself an actor if you’ve never even booked a job? What are you gonna do, Kayden? Bartend for the rest of your life? Knock up some random girl and end up paying child support you can’t afford?”

“Fuck off,” I finally say, blinking my eyes shut and trying to control my temper. I wish I didn’t allow them to get under my skin so much.

“Yeah well, we’ll see. Either you book an acting gig, come work for me, or find your own damn way to pay your rent. I’m sick of this, Kayden! Look at you! What are you doing with your life? Kate and Landon have their act together, and I’m giving you a free pass. A chance to get started at something. You need to let this acting thing go. It wasn’t even your dream really. You’re just following after Penny’s—”

“Dad, don’t.” Kate whispers, looking up from her game. “You didn’t have to bring up Penny, Dad,” she states, not able to stay out of the argument due to her overdose of compassion.

“Stay out of this, Kate.” I order, feeling a bit lightheaded from the mere mention of Penny. My fists clutch and my body begins to heat up, sweat crawling around the edges of my forehead. Moving to Dad, I stand before him, fearing for my life that there’s a small part of him that lives within me. “I never asked for your help.”

“You don’t dese

rve my help, kid. Grow up already!”

“Boys!” Mom hisses, and sighs, her eyebrows frowning in displeasure. She’s shaking, her small frame almost in hysterics, and immediately I feel guilty, hearing her trembling voice. “Stop, okay? Stop. Please? It’s almost Christmas.”

She’s right. It’s Christmastime, and yet another reason for the success stories of my siblings and the struggle stories of me to be brought up. Opening the piece of paper for my secret Santa I cuss under my breath, reading my brother’s name on it. Karma’s a bitch, and she’s after me. Crumbling up my paper, I toss it into the garbage can and head toward the backyard, desperately in need of some air. I haven’t even taken off my winter coat, and I’m already in need of air. How messed up is that?

“Mmm, that smells so good.” Aunt Sally peeks her head outside the screen door to find me sitting on the back patio step smoking a cig, and staring out into nothingness. “Mind if I join you?”

I’ve been sitting here for a few minutes, running my fingers across the engagement ring my late grandmother gave to me six years ago. I take it everywhere I go, looking at it each day, wondering what it truly stands for, wondering if it’s always going to be in my possession. Sliding the ring back into my pocket, I wipe off some of the snow on the step, and pat a spot for my aunt to join me. “Course not.”

She moves outside with her winter coat wrapped around her and shivers as she sits next to me. Closing her eyes, she breathes in deeply, taking in the toxic smells of tobacco. I would offer her a hit, but I know how much she wants another baby, even if she denies it. People don’t put on the patch because their husbands say so. People don’t put on the patch because the family hates the smells. People put on the patch because they believe there’s something out there more worthwhile than a few minutes of solitude. People put on the patch because in their hearts, they want to feel more with each breath they take, every pump of their lungs.