Our Totally, Ridiculous, Made-Up Christmas Relationship

The way she snuggles into me makes me think that she actually believes me—which, in turn, secretly makes my night complete. The closer we get to the front of the cabin, the slower I begin to walk until my jaw drops to the ground and I stand frozen in place. Twisting my body toward Jules, I yank her to the side.

“Holy shit! Is that Lisa Stone?! And Danny Everson?! And holy shit—that’s Matt and Tina Stone! Holy fuck, you’re Jules Stone!” The realization sets in as I come to terms with the fact that Jules’ family is THE Stone family—one of Hollywood’s most celebrated families for their crazy amount of work on the big screen. And Danny Everson is known for his Oscars and insane films.

I shoot the words to Jules and watch her stumble back, saddened that she couldn’t keep the fact hidden. Then I watch her lips turn down. She’s disappointed by my realization. “Yes…Richard.” She scolds me with her tone, and I realize how fast I almost blew my cover.

“Right. I’m sorry. But geez…You didn’t think that was something you could have mentioned in the past five hours?!”

“It slipped my mind.” She moves toward her house, leaving me a bit stunned. It slipped her mind? I’m supposing to act through this weekend with Oscar-winning performers?

Yeah freakin’ right.

“Finally! Did you give him the wrong address or something, Julie Anne?” were the first words from her mother as she pulls her into a hug.

“No, it just so happens there’s a snow storm, Mom. No big deal.” Jules turns toward me and holds her hand out in my direction, which I take, because screw it, I’m a professional.

“Mom, Dad”—her eyes roll as she mumbles, not looking toward Danny or Lisa—”everyone else, this is Richard.”

I extend my hand and shake hands with Oscar winners. Jesus. My life just went to a pretty good place. “Nice to meet you all,” I say, and mean, more than any words I have ever spoken.

Jules’s dad, the Matt Stone, pats me on the back and pulls me toward the house. “You hungry, Rich? I can call you Rich, yes?”

“Sir, you can call me anything you want.” I smirk as I follow him inside. He could call me asswipe and I would be flattered. I listen to Jules talking to her mom—or well, getting scolded by her mom for not greeting her sister and Danny.

“Do you have to be so childish, Julie Anne?” Tina hisses, moving everyone into the living room.

“Sorry. Hi Lisa. Danny.” I watch Jules roll her eyes and can’t help but laugh at her stubbornness.

“Hey Jules,” Danny smiles and goes in for an awkward hug, and for some reason, the amount of time he holds on to her annoys me. “You lose weight?”

“Gained ten pounds,” Jules says, but I doubt it’s true. I couldn’t imagine her ten pounds lighter than she is now; she has perfect curves to her.

“Oh…it looks good on you.”

Awkward silence. I’m still looking at Jules’s curves, and I’m getting pissed because so is Danny. “Should we grab our luggage now?” I ask, changing the subject from the weird vibe happening. It’s nice to see another dysfunctional family. It brings me a bit of comfort.

“No, don’t worry about it. Danny and I will grab it after dinner for you. You’re our guest!” Matt pats me on the back again, and I can’t help but feel star-struck every time this guy talks my way.

“Where’s Grandma?” Jules asks her mother.

“Oh, she couldn’t make it. She said that she and the new boyfriend are skiing in the Alps for the holiday.” The way Tina says the word boyfriend has a sting to it. I’m not sure if anyone else picks up on it, but the sound of Tina’s disapproval of her mother’s new guy is pretty damn clear.

“What?! Grandma’s the whole reason I said I would come!” Jules is pouting again, so I walk over and wrap my arms around her from behind and kiss her cheek, feeling her relax into me.

Out of nowhere a little girl streaks through the cabin completely naked. She couldn’t have been any older than three or four. I help Jules remove her jacket as she chuckles at her young niece running around in her birthday suit. “Don’t mind Olivia. She’s always naked.” The sweet tone in her voice takes on an edge when she adds, “just like her mother.” Another passive aggressive comment from one of the Stone family members. I make a mental note to brace myself against these snide comments and not-so-subtle pot-shots that this family takes at one another with such malicious ease.

Lisa tries to brush off Jules’ rude comment even as the blush of embarrassment reddens her face. I can’t even lie—Lisa is also beautiful. She’s pretty skinny, but not stick-thin. Her long brown hair moves perfectly with her, and her deep blue eyes match her mother’s. She and Jules are about the same height, but if I didn’t know they were related, I would never have considered it to be true. They are opposites in almost every way. Jules has these adorable blue doe eyes, and Lisa possesses the intense, cat-shaped, sexed-up eyes that always appear in her movies.

There’s an uncomfortable silence filling the room, so I try my best to defuse it. “She’s beautiful,” I say, gesturing—but not looking—at the naked girl running around the space.

Danny laughs. “You don’t have to be nice. She looks like an alien.”

Stunned by his rude comment, I hardly know what to say. “I beg your pardon?”

“An alien,” Tina reinforces about her granddaughter. “It’s not an insult. Aliens are really the big thing in Hollywood right now. That’s what’s hot in the industry.”

“If we get her started before she’s four, she’ll be golden.” Danny chimes in.

“I think horror movies are going to be her money maker, you know, with the creepy kid look and stuff,” Lisa adds.