Our Totally, Ridiculous, Made-Up Christmas Relationship

Lisa and my eyes meet, and the blank expressions on our faces explain exactly how we feel about this awkward situation. “More apple cider?” I offer, and she holds up her glass as I pour us both a refill, this time to the rim.

“You sure you can handle that axe?” Danny chides, watching me stand in front of the tree I chose for Jules and me to decorate later that night. Ever since we arrived to the tree lot, I’ve felt Danny’s eyes following me like a weird-ass creep.

“I got it,” I smirk while trying my best not to roll my eyes at the idiot who let Jules get away. Oscar winner or not, he’s still an idiot. When I raise the axe to begin hacking at the tree trunk, I sigh in annoyance when he comments on my technique.

“You’re going to put out your back.”

“I’m not.”

“The way you’re swinging that thing around, I bet you fifty bucks you put your back out.”

He’s baiting me, and I can tell he’s intimated. “It’s killing you, Danny. Isn’t it?” I start hacking away at the tree, strike after strike pretending that it’s Danny’s head. “Seeing Jules happy? Seeing that she didn’t need you to be happy? You probably thought she was some weak girl who would walk around for the rest of her life, crying for you to love her. It must piss you off—”

Whack. Whack. Whack.

“—so much that she doesn’t need you or want you anymore. She’s free of your bullshit.” I look up to him staring at me. “Free of your fucked up bullshit.”

He laughs. “You think you know Julie aft

er dating her for what, six months or some crap like that? I had her for three years. Last night she told me she still loved me, you prick. So if you think that Julie is anywhere close to falling for your bullshit lies, think again. She’s not over me, and she never will be. I mean, she’s dumb, but not that dumb.”

The axe drops and I’m standing in front of the short dick in less than a second. “Don’t ever talk about her like that.”

He keeps laughing, taking some pride in my revved-up annoyance. “Mr. Accountant, take it easy. You and I both know Jules isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed.”

My hands ball into fists, and my heart rate skyrockets. My blood is boiling and my body is shaking because I know if he doesn’t take it back I will be forced to knock the asshole out.

“What?” he says, stepping back from me. “You going to kick my ass?”

Damn straight I’m going to kick his ass.

“Richard, please. You don’t want to fight me. If you do, you might end up in a hospital bed.”

“Put me in a hospital bed. Please, do it. Because if I’m in a hospital bed, then that means your ass is in a body bag.”

Then it gets weird. Like, really fucking weird. Danny jumps back, and poses in some kind of odd cat stance. “Listen, fucker. I’ve taken tai chi for over five years. I almost have a black belt in karate, and I am known to be a lethal weapon to small villages.”

I pause, relaxing my fingers. “Did you just use a quote from The Neverlanders?”

He drops his weird pose and rests his hands on his waist. “No shit. You saw that film?”

“Of course I saw it, asshole. All of America saw it.”

“Actually it was an internationally acclaimed movie. Many more people outside of America saw it and—” He’s quick to shut up the second my fist makes contact with his face. The blood starts trickling from his nose and his hands shoot to his face. “What the fuck, Richard?! You actually hit me?! Are you a fucking wild man?! Jesus! Have you ever heard of talking things out?!” He’s whimpering like a little bitch, and I get a small dose of pleasure from it.

“Don’t ever say anything negative about Jules again. Got it?” Picking up my axe, I go back to chopping down my tree.

“Fine. Jeez. What kind of an accountant are you anyway? I’m an actor! This face is my income!” he shouts, wiping the blood away from his nose.

When the tree falls, Matt walks up to us and smiles. “That’s a nice tree you got, Richard. Looks like Danny’s tree might have a little competition.”

I turn to Matt and grin. Out of everyone so far, he’s the most normal. “Thanks. I think Jules will love it,” I say back to him. Danny narrows his eyes at me, and looking like a sad kid who just lost a fight, he walks off toward the truck.

Matt moves over to the end of the tree and begins to lift it up as I lift the other side. “I don’t know if you know this, but Jules is a fantastic actress. One of the best out there, and she was about to have her breakthrough moment a few years ago, I know it. After what happened with Lisa and Danny, she walked away from it all, claiming that Hollywood was responsible for the two of them betraying her. I can’t exactly say what made Danny and Lisa do what they did. And I could never imagine what Jules is going through, but when you look at her, it’s as if she forgets those two. She forgets everyone.” He pauses, setting the tree back down in the snow. I drop my side too and listen to him continue speaking.

“I wish she would remember how much she loved the craft and give it another chance.”

“Have you ever tried talking to Jules about the Lisa and Danny situation?”