Elliot and the Goblin War (Underworld Chronicles 1)

He had lived a quiet life in Flog until three years ago when that human boy, Elliot Penster, stopped the Goblins from catching the Brownie, Patches Willimaker. Then he knew it was time to be the Goblins’ hero once again. He had led them in a war against the Brownies ever since.

Fudd wanted to be the Brownies’ hero. He had spent his life trying to become the most powerful of all Brownies. It cost all of his gold to buy the only existing copy of The Guidebook to Evil Plans, which clearly stated, “Commit to your beliefs. No super villain ever rose to the top by doing things halfway (page 2).” Queen Bipsy had stood in his way before. Now it was King Elliot who kept him down.

But Fudd couldn’t kill King Elliot on his own. Very deep inside, Fudd knew that just wasn’t nice. And by nature, Brownies are usually peaceful creatures. But now that he and Grissel had joined together, things were different. With Fudd’s superior mind and Grissel’s ability to create trouble, Fudd was sure that nothing could stop them.

“If we’re going to get Elliot, then we need to know more about humans,” Fudd said to Grissel. “There’s only one Brownie smart enough to help us. Patches Willimaker.”

“Where is she now?”

“Probably in school,” Fudd said. “Probably in room twelve on the fourth row, probably coming back from lunch right about now.” Grissel stared at him, but Fudd just shrugged. “What? It’s just a guess. How would I know?”

Oddly enough, that was exactly where Patches was when the Goblins showed up.

Patches was just about to raise her hand and answer the teacher’s question about her favorite food when her teacher cried out in fear and pointed to the back of the classroom.

Patches knew what was happening just by the nasty smell that she’d detected. Goblins. Luckily, the school had conducted a Goblin drill only last week, and she remembered what to do. She jumped to her feet and yelled to her classmates, “Don’t look at them. Just run!”

Despite her own warning, Patches snuck a look behind her. Three Goblins had come. They looked confused by all the Brownies who were frantically running in every direction. Confused and hungry.

The smelliest of them all focused a stare on her, and his eyes narrowed. Patches ran for the fish tank at the back of the room. She scooped the one fish inside into a cup and then pulled the rest of the tank over on its side. Water splashed across the ground, making instant mud. Two of the Goblins backed away from the water. As long as the ground was wet, they wouldn’t touch her.

Two Goblins? Wait, where was the third?

“Gotcha!” a voice said, and as she looked up a claw reached down from the ceiling and snatched her off her feet. A Goblin lifted Patches into the air, hanging her

by her pants. She squirmed and kicked but could not make him let go.

“Put me down or you’ll be sorry,” Patches said.

The Goblin laughed as he crawled across the ceiling. “What could a weak Brownie ever do to make a Goblin be sorry?”

Patches had no answer for that. And she had bigger problems right now than coming up with a clever reply. Like staying alive for the next five minutes.

Usually when Brownies are afraid, they get very quiet and worry until they have upset tummies. Sometimes they get loud hiccups and can’t stop sneezing. When Patches was afraid, she talked. Even more than usual. “I didn’t know Goblins could crawl on the ceiling,” Patches said to the Goblin who carried her. “How do you do that?”

“I’m not sure, but it’s pretty fun,” Grissel replied.

“If I could crawl on the ceiling, then I’d just live there all the time. I’d do everything on the ceiling except drink from a cup, because the water would just spill out onto the floor.”

“I wouldn’t know,” Grissel said. “Goblins don’t drink water. Now be quiet, because all this talking makes it harder to steal you.” Keeping hold of Patches, he nimbly dropped to the ground. “Let’s go,” he said to the other Goblins. Then he threw Patches over his shoulder and walked away.

If you’ve never been carried over a Goblin’s shoulder, you should know that it’s as uncomfortable as it sounds. Goblin shoulders are made of muscles so hard you might as well be carried by a rock, so even a thick layer of Brownie fat isn’t enough to protect against them. And poor Patches didn’t have as much fat as the usual Brownie, since her favorite food was carrots.

“Where are we going?” Patches asked.

“Flog. You’ll be our guest there for a while. And don’t even think about poofing yourself away. I order you not to do it.”

Patches frowned. Most Goblins wouldn’t have remembered to do that. She tried another idea. “I’ve got a bad case of burps. If you eat me, you’ll get them too.”

“I’m not going to eat you. We have some questions for you.”

“About what?”

“About how to get rid of your human king.”

“He’s my friend. I won’t help you do that.”

Grissel laughed. “Yes, you will. You will, or else I’ll stop your burping for good.”