He stiffened, moving away from her hand. “The Knight-Commander is the strongest and wisest among us, and his honor is unquestionable. He is the very heart and soul of my Order. He is the Order of the First Water. He does not twist up my thoughts, as you put it. He provides discipline to keep me on the path of honor, when my own poor judgment would lead me astray.”
“This isn’t discipline, this is punishment!”
“This is mercy.” John’s jaw tightened for a moment. “The mandated punishment for oath-breakers is death.”
“What? Why didn’t you tell me this before?”
“Because as you said, before I did not consider myself to be breaking my oaths. I thought I was following the demands of my higher duty to the Pearl Throne. But I was in error. We are very fortunate that he has graciously allowed me the one indulgence. He will not overlook a second transgression.”
Neridia felt like she’d been gut-punched. “So we can’t—not ever?”
John hesitated. “It is probably a sign of my damaged honor that this has even occurred to me, but there is some hope.”
“How?” She knew enough of him by now to be certain that he didn’t mean he might consider resigning as a knight. “You think the Knight-Commander might relent?”
“Not precisely.” John raked both hands through his hair, making the gold charms clink together. “I must explain some history to you. The vow of chastity was only added to the Creed of the Knights of the First Water about five hundred years ago, back in the reign of the thirty-eighth Pearl Emperor. One of the Emperor’s knights was coerced by threats against his mate into turning a blind eye to an assassination plot.”
“Oh. So that’s the reason for the vow? It was introduced to make sure no knights could ever be blackmailed that way again?”
John nodded. “The Emperor survived the assassination attempt, and afterwards persuaded the Knight-Commander of the time to instigate the vow of chastity. The Knight-Commander dismissed the knights who already had mates, and subsequently only accepted new novices who were proven mateless. It was somewhat controversial at the time.”
“I bet.” Neridia caught her breath as the reason he was telling her this became clear. “Wait. You said the vow of chastity was the Emperor’s idea?”
The corner of his mouth twisted slightly. “Perhaps what an Emperor persuaded a Knight-Commander to do, an Empress might persuade a Knight-Commander to undo.”
Neridia’s heart plummeted right down to her socks. “Oh.”
John’s expression softened as he sensed her dismay. “I know that it sounds like a difficult feat. The Knight-Commander is cautious, thinking only of the safety of the Pearl Empire, and will not easily be persuaded to change our traditions. But the Knight-Commander will be sworn to your service once you ascend the Pearl Throne, and Compassion is one of our most important Knightly Vows. He will not wish to see his Empress miserable. I believe he will relent in the end.”
“But…all that can only happen if I take the Pearl Throne. If I’m Empress.”
“You will be Empress.” He took her hands, squeezing them in his own. “You will shift, my mate. I will take you to the sea, and you will find your true form, and together we shall go to Atlantis. I promise you, you will be Empress.”
Neridia didn’t answer. She looked down at their joined hands, unable to meet his eyes. With his utter certainty blazing down the mate bond, there was no way she could say out loud the terrible question in her heart.
But what if I don’t want to be Empress?
Chapter 18
It was a day made for rejoicing. John had spent some hours during the night communing with the clouds, and as a result the morning dawned bright and clear. The brilliant summer sunlight made the old, pale buildings of Brighton gleam like fresh-polished shells. Seagulls wheeled across the azure sky in exuberant flight, their raucous voices filled with joy.
The sky, the wind, even the small minds of the birds; all things connected to the sea knew at some level that this was a historic day. Fo
r today, for the first time, the Empress-in-Waiting was coming home.
Even ordinary humans seemed to have picked up on the mood. It might just have been the unusually fine weather, but a sense of giddy delight permeated the entire city. Children jumped and skipped with just a little more energy than usual, shrieking as happily as the seagulls overhead. Lovers walked just a little closer to each other, laughing in the sun. Everyone was smiling.
Everyone, that is, except the Empress-in-Waiting herself.
As they made their way toward the seafront, John couldn’t shake the feeling that he was escorting a prisoner to her execution.
Neridia had been withdrawn and quiet ever since the previous evening. She hadn’t touched her breakfast, despite the fact that even his culinary skills couldn’t render dry cereal inedible. Their mate bond was pale and subdued, her thoughts drawn back like a snail into a shell.
Alone in the happy crowd thronging Brighton’s main street, she walked with head bowed and shoulders hunched, as if the bright sunshine were a howling gale. Though the broad road ran downhill, she was going slower and slower. John kept having to check his own stride to avoid outpacing her.
This isn’t right, John’s inner human fretted. This isn’t right at all. This should be one of the happiest days of her life. We have to do something.
For once John was in full agreement with his inner human, but he was at a loss as to what to do. Though his poetry could move sea and rain, he had no idea what words might lift Neridia’s mood. So far, he could not exactly claim a string of victories when it came to talking to his mate.