A knot formed in my gut. I had risked everything because I was in love with her.
I still was in love with her.
Despite reason and experience and the constant twisting of my heart, I was drawn to Kestra as if she was my next breath. And if my heart twisted with every thought of her, perhaps that was only to hold her in there when everything else wanted to pull us apart. I realized then that, in some form, I always had loved her, even as a young boy. And no matter what consequences might still come to me, I knew that I always would.
Kicking at the ground, I said, “Basil, I owe you a lifetime of apologies.”
“You owe me nothing. I have all that I want,” he said, wrapping an arm around Trina, who nestled in against him. Until that moment, I hadn’t noticed any particular affection between them, but clearly I should have noticed.
“Go and make things right between you and your friend,” Trina said, nudging my shoulder.
I offered my hand to Basil. “You are a better person than I ever was.”
He smiled. “I believe you’re right.”
“Now go and say that to Gabe,” Trina said.
He and Huge were finishing unsaddling their horses when I walked up. “No injuries?” I asked Huge. I still wouldn’t look directly at Gabe.
Huge shook his head. “Unfortunately, the carnox I fought with can’t say the same.”
I laughed at that and so did Gabe, and I wondered in that moment if that single joke would be the last thing Gabe and I might ever see the same way.
Settling my eyes on Gabe, I said to Huge, “Will you give us a minute alone?”
Huge looked from me over to Gabe, who had returned to working on his horse, then quietly dismissed himself.
Gabe continued to ignore me, which only made things harder. I wasn’t about to open with an apology if he couldn’t tear himself away from the fascination of saddle inspection. Trina was right—we did need to talk, but I wasn’t about to apologize to the side of his uninterested face. I grunted and began to walk away. We’d do this later, maybe in another twenty or thirty years.
But as I turned, he said, “I know where I hit you, and it wouldn’t have done all the damage I see now. Who was next in line to take a swing at you?”
“I spent time in Joth’s throne room.”
“Ah.” No sympathy was offered, only a shift of his stance for his next question. “Did you find her? Or let me be more specific. Did you find Harlyn there?”
“No. Nor did I find Kestra. But I managed to get Joth to agree to a duel with me at noon. No magic.”
“Congratulations. I noticed the way you were nursing your sword arm when you shook hands with Basil. Magic or not, Joth will be a tough opponent.”
“I’m hoping that when she has a moment, Loelle might heal me.”
Gabe threw his arms outward. “Look around us, Hatch. She won’t have a moment. We are overrun with the injured, and none of what we did made any difference! Endrick was killed without our help, and now what we have on the throne is worse.”
“This isn’t over. If Kestra still has the Olden Blade—”
“We’ve been through this, over and over and over again. So if you came here for the same fight we keep having—”
“I didn’t. I came to tell you that I know how you feel about Harlyn.” Gabe started to speak, but I quickly added, “I know you love her.”
Gabe closed his mouth, then opened it again to say, “Another quest that will make no difference, regardless of what I do. For weeks, I’ve watched her openly pursue you, only to be met with polite indifference, or at best, a kiss to her cheek that makes you appear to be in physical pain. And I know what she says in public, but I don’t believe she truly loves you. How can she, when you haven’t shared any piece of your heart with her? It is cruel the way you let her hold on to a thin hope for you to change when we both know you cannot tear yourself away from Kestra.”
“You’re right,” I said. “You’re right that I owe Harlyn every possible apology. Have you told her how you feel?”
“No, and I won’t. I’m not about to empty out my soul to her and have her reply that she can’t wait to marry you.” He shrugged. “I’m sorry I hit you, Simon. I never should have done that. But I’m not sorry for my reasons.”
I would’ve replied, but Gabe’s eyes had drifted behind me. I turned around and, to my surprise, saw Harlyn speaking to Trina, who pointed over at me. Our eyes met, and Harlyn motioned with her head that I should follow her.
I started toward Harlyn, but Gabe called out, “Hatch!” I paused but did not look back at him. Forced to speak to me thus, he said, “At least I do understand you now. I know what it’s like to care for someone who is beyond your reach. I haven’t changed my mind about Kestra, but I hope you know that I understand what it’s like to give a piece of your heart to someone who won’t return those feelings. Our situations are not so different.”