"It's locked for me, perhaps. Do you know what's inside this book?"
"Do you?"
He pounded a fist on the desk and stomped toward me, angry enough that I immediately backed up. My knife was within reach, if necessary, but I knew I wouldn't use it. Nothing in me was capable of that.
"Have you read this diary?" he yelled.
"Sir Henry, the fault is mine," Gerald said, inching forward. "I was cleaning in here last night and accidentally found the book. I thought I replaced it, but I must not have done so."
"No, it wasn't like that." I couldn't let Gerald take the blame.
"It was like that." He stepped forward, placing himself ahead of me. "Your daughter probably didn't realize whose book this was, so of course she wouldn't have thought anything of putting it back on the shelves. I'm sorry I didn't report it to you, Sir Henry."
"You've disappointed me, Gerald."
Tears filled my eyes. I'd heard him say those words before. For Dallisors, the other end of disappointment was death. "Please don't harm Gerald," I said. "This is all my fault. Punish me if you will. Not him."
"It's all right, my lady." Gerald's voice was so calm it unnerved me further. "We each have our roles to fill. I know mine, and you know yours."
"Her role is to become the wife of Sir Basil of Reddengrad. Until that happens, Kestra, you will remain confined to your room. Gerald, you will report to the dungeons to pay for removing this book from my desk."
"That is no crime!" I yelled. "The book is sealed shut. Even if he found it, he could not have opened it. And I am the one who put it on the shelves, not him!"
"A Dallisor would never take the blame when it can be assigned to an inferior!" he shouted back. "Nor do we defy the orders of our superiors, as you take such pleasure in doing. You are no Dallisor!"
"And you are no father of mine!" I shot back, with greater fierceness. "I will always love my mother, because she loved me. But from this moment forward, you are only Henry Dallisor to me. I will never call you Father again."
"I never wanted you to call me Father to begin with." His whole body was shaking with rage. "Report to your room. If you are found anywhere else until your marriage, I will have you killed where you stand."
"No, you won't. You would never disappoint Lord Endrick that way. I know his plans for me, your plans for me. And I will do everything in my power to stop them!"
Before Henry could reply, I swerved on my heel and marched from the room, slamming the door shut behind me. It took every bit of strength I had to stifle a scream for the hurt within me. Henry Dallisor had severed the final thread in our rags of a relationship, yet I was the one who felt the cut. But I couldn't let any of it show. Not here, and not now. Gerald was seconds behind me, on his way to the dungeons. I couldn't face him, not after failing at the one thing he had asked when he gave me that diary. I had promised to replace the book where it belonged. He would pay for my failure.
"My lady?" he called. "Please wait."
I stopped, but didn't turn around. Could not turn around.
"What more can I do for you?" he asked.
"Gerald, no. It's my fault--"
"A guard will be sent to your room soon to verify you are there. I have a few minutes before I must report below."
I licked my lips, wishing I had any choice but to ask more from this good man. "How much would you risk to help me?"
His answer came quickly. "Everything."
I hoped he was sincere, because that was exactly how much I needed. "Wait for me in the tower. I have something to give you, and a request I wish I didn't have to make."
"Yes, my lady." After a quick bow, he left, and only then did I realize my guilt with a harsh gasp that crushed whatever was left of my heart. Gerald had agreed to my request too quickly, without knowing the risk he was about to undertake. He had offered his life to me, and might yet lose it because of me, and for all that, there was one thing I dared not ask for: his forgiveness.
And that would torture me in a way that Lord Endrick never could.
I hadn't intended to come back to Lily Dallisor's room, but the diary had required it of me.
How strange it was to enter her apartments again, more carefully this time, ensuring that no one had seen me. This was of utmost importance. Not only was I supposed to be confined to my own room, but now, I was here for the most dangerous of reasons. It wasn't to renew my memories of being held in my mother's arms, or dancing around the gardens with her, or our sneaking pastries together from the kitchen late at night. It was nothing so pleasant this time, though I suspected this memory would outlast any other of my lifetime.
In skirts, it was harder to slide under the bed than it had been in the trousers. Last night, I'd wanted to find a hidden blanket under here, and failed. I hoped that I wouldn't fail now. I couldn't fail.