"Tell me this," Radulf said, lowering his voice. "Do you have the key?"
Without looking directly at him, I nodded. I had it, whatever, or wherever it was. But there was nothing more I could say.
"Then I will train you the best that I can. Though in the end, you'll be alone in that chariot."
Finally, I turned to really look at Aurelia and Crispus. His eyes were red, I realized now. He had just lost his father, which surely felt to him like an open wound. And even as he suffered that trauma, I had still begged him to look after my sister, which he did with courage and honor.
I enclosed Crispus in a grateful embrace, patting his back before I let him go. "Valerius was a good man and a good senator," I said. "But when your time comes, you will be even better."
"I have to act for Rome now, in my father's place," he said. "Do you understand that? If you threaten the empire, I must order the guard to come after you."
I smiled. "You can try, but Radulf controls the guard and I have the bulla. Just believe me when I say that I will never be a threat to the empire."
He shook his head. "You already are a threat, Nic, and don't even seem to know it. That's why I had to warn you."
My grin widened, that is, until I looked to Aurelia. The rims of her eyes had reddened, which was hard for me to see. I was used to making her angry, but I didn't like the thought that I could make her
sad too. Softly, I asked, "Can we talk in private?"
When she nodded, I took her arm and led her a little distance away. "I know this isn't what you want," I said. "But this bargain gives me a chance. It's the best I could do to save my mother and to keep him from getting the Malice."
"Do you remember in the amphitheater when I said I had a bad feeling about you going in there? You did it anyway, and look at how awful that turned out. You nearly died!"
I faked a smile, hoping it looked to her like confidence. "I survived the amphitheater."
"My father didn't."
The smile felt naive now, and I let it go. "I'm sorry, Aurelia. I tried to save him."
"I don't blame you for that. But I have a worse feeling this time. Please don't do the race."
"This is different. I had no idea what to expect in the amphitheater, but I do know how chariot races go."
"You're not listening, Nic! I'm telling you something bad will happen if you enter the race!"
"And what happens if I don't? Do you think I offered this bargain because of how good my situation is?"
"We have four days. Four days we can use to find your mother, not train for a chariot race."
"That only solves the problem for a moment. Radulf was right before -- I will never be able to run far enough in this empire to get away from the Praetors. They promised to come after everyone I love until I give in. Not only my mother, but Livia, and --" I stopped there, choking on my own breath. Quietly, I added, "Everyone."
Aurelia stared back at me as if all breath had been stolen from her too. Her eyes darted over to Crispus, who was watching us but probably couldn't hear the words that were falling so stupidly from my mouth. I was grateful for at least that much.
"The deal has been made," I whispered.
"Just be careful," she finally said. Her arms slid around my neck as she held me in an embrace. I heard her sniff like she was crying, but I wasn't going to check to be sure. It would embarrass her and weaken my resolve.
When we parted, her eyes were dry, but again, I didn't dare look that closely. Instead, I scuffed my sandal on the ground and said, "Come with me to Radulf's home. You'll be safer there than anywhere. Livia will be there too, and I know she'd love your company."
"So you want me there because of Livia? That's the only reason?"
I shook my head. "No, of course not."
"Then why?"
Because I wanted her there, where I knew she was safe, where I could get her advice and enjoy her friendship. But instead of saying any of that, I panicked. "Er, Radulf has good cheese."
Good cheese? Had I really just said such a ridiculous thing?