Elastic Heart

I rolled up the window as I reached the turnoff for The Beach. Nestled right off a small highway, The Beach was only known to those who lived in the immediate area. You could live in Salt Lake City your entire life and still not know of The Beach. Even though it led to a much bigger hiking trail, most used a different trailhead to hike that specific trail, giving The Beach that secret feeli

ng.

Notwithstanding, The Beach was usually crowded with teens looking to party or make out. Luckily it was December so only a few kids wanted to make out beneath a snowy, frigid mountain, and those teens stayed in the warmth of their cars. I watched the view from my own car, looking out at the city that had tortured me for the past six months. I could see the capitol all lit up in the distance. I could see the university I’d dropped out of. I saw our tiny downtown and beyond that I saw twinkling lights; one of those lights was the mansion our perfect senator lived in.

Sighing, I grabbed Raskol and exited the car. We may have been able to pretend the lights were a twinkling ocean in high school, but now that I knew what each individual light represented, it was impossible. I was there, though. I was determined to make some kind of positive memory.

Before leaving the house I’d grabbed Raskol’s coat (yep, I was now the kind of person who bought small dog coats) and my hiking boots. I thought maybe if I climbed the small mountain, I could feel like I’d conquered the damn lights.

I let Raskol attempt the mountain. It was snowy and wet, but he loved the snow. His little paws slipped around, but he could climb it. I hadn’t gone on many hikes lately (not much time to do that when you’re trying to bring down a senator), but the ones I had gone on, I brought Raskol with me. I always got curious stares or smiles from the other hikers. Raskol was very small, especially in comparison to the other dogs. Some even commented on his ability to hike. If you knew Raskol, though, you knew a six-mile hike was nothing for him. He had seemingly endless energy.

We made it to the top of the mountain and the lights were smaller up there, making it easier to pretend I didn’t know what they were. Snow started to fall, just a light dusting of flakes that was eerily beautiful. Raskol bounced around, trying to eat the falling snow. I laughed, feeling carefree and joyful as I watched him.

I bent over and balled up some snow, ready to throw it for him to catch. As I stood up, angling my arm for the throw, my fingers grew limp. Dismay rippled through me and the ball fell from my grasp. I almost couldn’t believe what I was seeing, but it was impossible to deny. Becca Riley was there and she held Raskol by the scruff.

I watched Becca, unable to move or speak. My thoughts flicked back to the black car. I knew I should have left. I knew I shouldn’t have risked it. I had been so determined to have a normal night, so determined to let my shit go for a few hours, that I hadn’t heard her approaching. I had thought I was safe. I was never safe, though, and now neither was Raskol.

Riley dangled Raskol over the edge of the mountain. The worst part was that Raskol had no idea what was going on. He watched me, that stupid silly grin I loved so much on his face. He thought Riley was playing with him. He thought he was safe.

And why wouldn’t he? He trusted me completely. Raskol trusted me not to put him in this kind of situation, and I’d utterly failed him.

“Riley, whatever you want I’ll do it!” I pleaded. “He’s just a dog.” What the fuck is wrong with you? I wanted to scream. Who hurts a dog?

Riley rolled her eyes at me, as if my emotions were tedious. “Here’s the deal, DeGrace. You stop fucking with us, and this dog is the only thing that gets hurt.” Riley looked at Raskol sideways. Raskol attempted to lick her. Inside, my soul died a little more.

“I’ll stop, dammit!” I screamed. Distantly I wondered if the sound I heard was my own echo, or that of my world collapsing. “Just let him go!”

Riley shrugged. “As you wish.”

Horrorstruck, I watched as Riley let Raskol go over the edge of the mountain. One second she was holding him, the next he disappeared over the side. I couldn’t begin to describe the emotion that tore through me in that instant. I knew I screamed, because the pain in my throat was so intense it broke through the disbelief.

I fell to the ground, the weight of the emotion too heavy. I barely felt the cold, wet snow seep through my clothes as I scrambled to the edge of the mountain, reaching for Raskol. I desperately clawed at the edge for him, hoping he was there. I called his name. I called it again, expecting him to show up, to come running after me like he usually did.

Where was his goofy face? Where was that ridiculous underbite? Through all the turmoil I heard one thing: laughing. Riley was fucking laughing. I stood from the cliff, rage coursing through me. I grabbed her by the shoulders and pushed her to the ledge.

“You think this is fucking funny?” Her smile slid from her face like a wet slug. Her heels slipped on the edge, sending rocks tumbling down. “Tell me what’s so fucking funny, Becca?”

“Calm down, Nami.” Becca’s eyes darted from me and to the cliff I precariously held her to. “You don’t know what you’re doing.”

“I know exactly what I’m doing,” I said, pushing her closer to the edge. “I’m getting rid of the infection in this town. Cut off the necrotizing flesh and eventually it goes away. Maybe I should start with you.” I shook her and more rocks tumbled down. Nausea crept up my throat at the thought that Raskol had tumbled down with them.

Riley swallowed. The laughter in her eyes vanished and was replaced with fear. I didn’t feel victorious like I had thought I would. I didn’t feel joy or relief or anything. I felt pain for Raskol and when she looked at me with fear, I saw myself. I saw myself beneath Morris, utterly terror struck.

Still furious, I let her go.

“Go home, you necrotic cunt.” Riley didn’t wait for me to say it twice. She scrambled away and I heard a car sound seconds later.

Everything was numb. Some of that had to do with the fact that I was now on the ground with snow seeping through my clothes and turning my skin frozen, but most of it had to do with my emotional grid. I had short-circuited.

I stared out at the city that had taken everything from me. The lights twinkled beautifully, but all I saw was necrosis. I officially had nothing left.

Monday

There’s not enough whiskey in the world.

Tuesday

All out of alcohol.