Elastic Heart

“Where have you been?”

“Here, in Utah.” I took

a sip from my tea.

“You’ve been here all this time? Why didn’t you call?” I heard the betrayal in his voice even more than I saw the pain in his eyes. His hurt lanced my side. I gripped the tea for comfort and protection.

“I was worried you would be disappointed…” I trailed off, staring into the honey swirls of my tea. The color was almost like that of Law’s eyes. It gave me strength. “I was worried you would hate me after what happened.”

Tears formed in Tony’s eyes. I gripped my mug harder, not sure what to do or say. I had prepared for the worst. I had prepared for Tony to kick me out and say awful things; that was all that had happened to me these past months, after all. I hadn’t prepared for this. His emotion was overwhelming and affecting.

“How could you think that?” Tony asked, his voice shaking. “How could you think I would hate you? You were raped, Nami. You did nothing wrong.”

I looked away again and into my mug. “The world doesn’t believe me. Why would you?”

“I know I’m not the dad you want, Nami.” Tony sighed. “But I love you like you’re my daughter and I’m never going to stop loving you. I don’t care what the world says. You’re my daughter. I wish you would have trusted me enough to come to me.”

My relationship with Tony had never been stellar. I had hated him when he and my mom were together, and by the time I started to accept it, to realize how good he was for her, Mom died. It was hard to forge a relationship with him when Mom wasn’t around to act as the fire to weld us together.

I wished I could have trusted him too. I wished for a lot of things, though. I wished a lot of things could have happened that didn’t and a lot of things wouldn’t have happened that did. I was learning that I couldn’t dwell on things I couldn’t change. But Tony was something I could change. I couldn’t change what had happened with us, but I could change what was going to happen.

“I’m sorry,” I said.

“Don’t be sorry,” Tony replied instantly. “Nami you always have a bed here. You always have a meal here. I’m always going to be here. When I agreed to marry your mother all those years ago I also agreed to love you and that didn’t stop when she died. When she died, God rest her, it became even more important to me that you were taken care of.” I wasn’t sure what to say to that. After months of declarations of hate, I wasn’t used to declarations of love. In lieu of response, I set my tea down and moved to sit next to Tony.

“I’ll be better,” I said. “I’ll call and come visit.”

“You know I read what happened with that senator and I don’t believe a single word of it. I tried calling but the number was disconnected. I’ve emailed you at least a hundred times. I went to your apartment but that angry woman said you didn’t live there. I’ve been so worried. I had no idea where you were.” Tony started to cry, his sobs so dichotomous with his big frame. Tony was an ex-army pilot, with tattoos all along his arms and on his calves. I reached out to comfort him, but pulled my arm back.

“God if anything had happened to you, Nami…” Tony reached for me and pulled me into his body, hugging me so hard I could barely breathe. His cries were muffled against my head. At first I was stiff against him, unsure of how to respond. As the minutes passed and he continued to hug me, though, I relaxed. I gave into the unfamiliar feeling, a feeling I would later recognize as family.

I walked back to Law feeling something I hadn’t felt in a long time: happy. Talking with Tony had been emotional and heart-rending, but overall I felt good. I felt grounded.

“How did it go?” Law asked as I opened the door and seated myself in the car.

“It went…” I looked back at the orange brick house and smiled. “It went really well, Law. Thank you.” As Law pulled away from the curb, I noted him. I studied his profile, the hard edges so at odds with what I knew lay beneath. Since my first chance encounter with Law at the coffee shop, he had always looked out for my best interests. I was a stranger to him in every sense of the word, yet he was more familiar to me than any person I’d ever known.

“I love you,” I blurted out. It was the worst way to say it, I knew that. I should have done something magnificent like he had. I should have showered him with roses or bourbon or something. Anything other than the way I did it. Law deserved that much. Watching him, though, I was compelled. The words tumbled out of me of their own volition.

Law pulled a hard right and stopped illegally on the side of the road. I glanced around at the cars honking angrily at us and nearly had a flashback. Only weeks ago Law had dragged me into his car and attempted to take me to his hotel. When he’d seen my fear, he’d pulled over and I’d followed him instead. That day we’d shared our first kiss.

I’d been in such a terrible place I couldn’t stand it. Morris had utterly consumed me. I would never have imagined that that kiss would turn into something more. Something life-changing. With what I knew now, though, it seemed so obvious. Nick Law, just like any law, was irrevocable. I almost lost myself in the memory, but Law grabbed my chin and forced my attention to him.

“What did you say?” His cognac stare made me drunk. Would I ever get used to it? I licked my lips and his gaze flashed to them before returning to my eyes. “Say it again, Nami.”

“I love you, Law.” I knew without a doubt that I loved Law. He made me stand in the light. Without him, I would have been a shell of myself. I would have been ash, razed and ruined.

Law kissed me. It was hard, fast, and over too soon. Law tore away and, giving me one last pointed stare, pulled back into traffic. My heart beat so wildly I could hear it in my ears.

The drive to his hotel was tortuous. Our tension was like a live wire ready to snap. When we finally arrived I felt like I might faint from the heat. As we boarded the elevator there was one other person in there with us. The air was electrically charged and I wondered if the person felt it.

Just standing next to Law with our shoulders touching was enough to nearly seize me. I held my breath, because I felt if I expelled it I would die. Die of lust. Die of anticipation. Die of love. Abruptly Law moved, breaking the connection between our shoulders, and I felt empty.

I watched his movements, feeling like I was underwater. The lust I felt for him, the love that twisted me, had me drowned. He pressed the button for the next floor. When the door opened on an empty floor, the other man in the elevator looked at us expectantly.

“Get out,” Law said to the man.

“I beg your pardon.” The man scoffed. The man was a few inches shorter than Law and dressed in a suit. The way he regarded Law, it was clear he wasn’t used to being told what to do. Law took a step forward and invaded the man’s space.