You Own Me (Owned 1)

After cleaning off Vic and proceeding to get messy with him a few more times, I called up Lissie and Zoe. Sure it was a weekday but I was in job limbo and, this was a big “and,” I was trying to be a better friend. Lissie, Zoe, and I went out for drinks. It was my idea. This was how you were a better friend, right? I was planning on paying for the

drinks too. Well, at least a reasonable amount.

“Okay, so tell me how you found this place?” I asked Lissie. We were back at the infamous bar, home to the first time I danced with Vic and the first time Lissie and I ever went out. It still boasted swarthy sailor-types and run-down accouterments. It was an amazing bar, and I still didn’t know how she found such a place. I was going to get to the bottom of this, dammit.

Lissie shrugged. “It’s not a great story, but, here it goes. Before I went into NA, I used to score my coke in the alley around back. One night, well, one night I couldn’t wait, so I came in here to use the bathroom. The owner found me on the floor and saved my life. He’s my sponsor now.”

“Can you still get coke back there?” I asked.

Zoe hit me on the arm. Hard.

“Oh shit, sorry. I don’t know why I asked that.” Really, I didn’t. It’s not like I was looking to score some cocaine. I think I was already a bit drunk.

Lissie laughed. “It’s not a big deal. And no, you can’t. Joe, the owner, made sure that scumbag never came back.”

I nodded, sipping on my drink.

Zoe was rubbing Lissie’s arm for support. They looked so nice and couple-y. I envied the simple strength they gave each other.

“So . . .” I said, spinning in my barstool.

“So . . .” They both repeated in unison.

I turned my attention to Zoe. “What’s up with you, Zoe?”

“The usual,” Zoe responded, taking a quick drink from her beer.

“What’s the usual?” I asked.

“You know, freelancin’ the night away.”

Despite all the time Zoe and I have spent together, all I know about her is “computers” and “lesbian.” Not much to go on. She accused me of being a bad friend, but she refused to let me be a friend. I told her as much.

Zoe raised an eyebrow. “Not bullshitting tonight, are we?”

I shrugged. “Blame the whiskey.” I raised my glass for effect.

“Okay. What do you want to know?” Zoe asked

“I don’t know. You know about me. You really know Lissie,”—I gave Lissie a salacious wink—“so tell me something about you,” I said.

“Oh!” Lissie practically jumped up in her seat. “Tell her about when you lost your virg—” Lissie abruptly shut her mouth when she caught Zoe’s glare.

“You don’t have to say anything,” I said quickly. “I just want to get to know you better.” Fuck, this was a weird night. It was like some twisted first date.

“It’s nothing,” Zoe said. “Popular boy meets closeted lesbian, closeted lesbian meets popular boy. She thinks she likes him. They have sex. She realizes she can’t hide the truth anymore. She tells him, because she thinks he’s decent. He tells everyone he fucked a dyke, and because high school is high school, you can fill the rest in.” Zoe chugged the last of her beer, eyes closed. Some memories never stop hurting.

“Now you,” Zoe said. She eyed the inside of her beer mug as though there might be a few renegade drops left.

“I thought we’d had enough of the Lennox Show,” I said. I know that I sure had. I would love to turn off the TV on me for a while. Sometimes, I wished they’d cancel the Lennox Show. My therapists would say those were suicidal ideations and not to indulge in that type of thinking—fuck ‘em.

“Nope,” Zoe said smiling. “We just needed a break from it for a while.”

Lissie nodded. “Yeah! Now we need a recap of what we missed. Like . . . Where have you been? Do you even still work for Simply Santa?”

My gut clenched at the mention of Bethany’s business. Though I wasn’t convinced that she had had anything to do with Dean, the association still made me anxious. I ordered another whiskey and contemplated my options. Both Zoe and Lissie had shared with me; it would be an asshole move for me to leave them in the dark. I couldn’t tell them everything, though.

So, I told them what happened. I told them who Dean was (though Zoe already knew) and how he had come to Santa Barbara. I told them the things he had done to me in Seattle, how he had tormented me while I was here in Santa Barbara, and that had nearly caught me again. I told them an abridged version of what happened to Dean (he’d gotten scared off) and that Bethany might be the reason he showed up, but I wasn’t sure. I told them what happened between me and Vic. I told them that I couldn’t quit Simply Santa, because I needed the money; but, I couldn’t handle seeing Bethany because of her possible connection to Dean. So, here I was now, drinking and planning the rest of my life.