When dinner came we continued like that, talking about nothing and yet everything. There wasn’t the weight of the world on our shoulders. There wasn’t a hidden meaning behind everything we said. We didn’t sip our drinks, staring off into the distance because our minds were elsewhere.
That night we looked at each other. That night we were present.
“What are you smiling about?” Lenny asked. I hadn’t even realized I was, but the answer came without hesitation: “You.” Lenny smiled at my answer and went back to her salad. I watched her poke around the lettuce, only eating the tomatoes, chicken, and cucumbers. Her displeasure was obvious, but she ate it anyway, for the baby.
“What are you thinking about now?” she asked when she caught me spying her.
“The future.” Because for the first time in forever, I could actually see one.
Whose stupid fucking idea was it to write our own vows?
Oh right, mine.
Fuck.
I paced back and forth in the little bed and breakfast room, looking over my vows, and feeling like a complete goddamn idiot. Just as the urge to rip up months of work came over me, someone knocked on the door.
“What?” I yelled.
“It’s Zoe.” If Lenny and I had done the best man thing, Zoe would have been mine. Then again, if we were doing that sort of thing, Lenny might have made her her maid of honor. The door creaked open and Zoe pushed her head in.
“Hey there, beautiful.”
“Really, Vic, I’m taken. And a lesbian. It’s time for you to move on.” I rolled my eyes at Zoe and reached a finger out to Ophelia, who immediately grasped it with her tiny hand. She reached over her entire body, nearly tumbling out of Zoe’s arms, but I caught her.
Lenny and I’d been grasping at perfection our entire lives, and there it finally was. I wouldn’t even begin to say I did something right, because it wasn’t me. It was all Ophelia Mei. After over twenty hours in labor, Ophelia Mei tore into the world. Now, nearly eleven months later with a full head of dark, silky hair and wide, Atlantic blue eyes, she was still the same stubborn girl as she’d been then.
I said she got it from her mother.
But then, Lenny said she got it from me.
Neither of us had budged on that.
Ophelia Mei—or Mei as Lenny called her—sat quietly in my arms (a rarity). I could stare at her forever, but Zoe had come for a reason. I looked away from Ophelia’s wide smile and to Zoe’s pursed lips.
“She has cold feet.”
I wasn’t sure why they called them bridal and groom suites when Lenny’s room was nearly identical to my own. The only difference was a large, antique looking vanity. Oh, and Lenny—Lenny pacing the worn, wooden floors.
“I hear you have cold feet.”
“Cold feet?” Lenny scoffed. “More like frozen feet.”
“What’s wrong?” I asked as Lenny passed me on her thirtieth lap.
“What’s wrong?” she exclaimed. “It’s everything. It’s the fact that I don’t think you should tie yourself to a woman like me. It’s that some days I forget who I am and what I’m feeling. It’s that Mei is almost one and it’s getting to the point where if I leave, she’ll remember. I think she would be better off without me.”
“Listen Lenny—” I attempted.
“No listen to me!” She turned, finger raised.
“Okay.” I raised my hands, stepping back.
“Oh.” She paused, finger frozen mid-wag. “I wasn’t prepared for you to just listen like that.”
“Do you have something to say?” I asked.
“No…maybe. I don’t know.” She shook her head, red hair falling in tendrils. It looked like she’d had it done up fancy, but it was better messy. Realer. “Okay, listen to me Vic.”