Come To Me (Owned 3)

“Yeah.” She looked away, defeated. I wished I could have said Lenny suddenly smiled up at me, ran into my arms, and declared herself over it, but that wasn’t reality. All I’d done was remind her that her love for Mei overwhelmed her self-hate. I’d probably have to do that a lot over the years.

Lenny shifted in the seat, crossing her legs and then uncrossing them. I waited for her to come out of the fog that had ensnared her. Rubbing her thighs, she looked up at me, her blue eyes clear.

“You weren’t supposed to see me in my dress,” Lenny sighed. Honestly, I hadn’t noticed until she said that. I was too busy putting out the fire. Now, though, I allowed myself the pleasure. It wasn’t traditional, but that was fine. In fact, it was perfect.

The dress came above her knees, so I got a nice look at her beautiful legs. It was lacy and cream colored, and looked vintage; maybe it was. Her previously done up hair had come a little undone, and I hoped she kept it that way. It looked mussed, like she’d been fucked. I thought about what she’d said, about superstition and tradition, and smiled.

“Oh shit, we’re doomed.”

Up above, the glowworms sparkled like a billion turquoise stars. Even though we were underneath the earth, deep inside a cave, it almost appeared like a brilliant night. With Lenny’s hand in my own, the boat carried us through the cavern as we turned to face each other, vows ready.

“Vic Wall…you can be a right asshole sometimes.”

“That’s your declaration of love?” I asked, breath leaving my body somewhere between a laugh and a scoff.

“Please, just let me get through this…” Lenny chewed her lip. “You and me… I never…. Us…” Lenny sighed, frustrated, and chewed her lip harder.

“Hey,” I said, pulling her lip out and holding it between my thumb and finger. “Whatever you say, it’s still us. We’re still us.” Slowly I released the flesh, instead holding on to the way her eyes softened. She blinked and took a deep breath.

“I never thought I would fall in love,” she started again, “and when it happened, I never thought it would be this all-consuming thing that had the power to destroy me. Some days it felt like it, too. Some days it felt like the love we had might rip me apart. In the end, though, you were always my rock. When the ocean waves crashed against me, you were the thing keeping me steady, even when I didn’t know it.” The boat shook and Lenny stumbled into me. I gripped her shoulders, keeping her steady. She laughed and said, “And I guess sometimes when I do know it. Without you, Vic, I fall. I get sucked in by the tide. Maybe it’s dangerous to give someone so much power over you but…” I pulled her closer. “But you’re the breath in me now, Vic.”

Tears shined on her lids, ready to fall, but I didn’t wipe them away. Her eyes were so big and bright, and the tears amplified that. I could see deep into the midnight depths, to how she was open to me. Completely utterly open. No secrets, nothing but Lenny. I gripped her shoulders tighter and arched her for a kiss.

She pulled back, but there was a big smile on her face. “Nope. It’s your turn.”

I’d been preparing my speech for months and I could see the anticipation in her deep eyes, still, I wasn’t ready. As we said the words to each other, I knew we were wiping a part of our old selves away. I didn’t want anything I said to fuck that up.

“Hey.” Lenny pressed a palm to my chest. “Whatever you say, it’s still us. We’re still us.” She winked, repeating what I’d said to her. Under the turquoise glow, the boat rocked steady through the cave, the water inky beneath us. I let my hold fall from Lenny’s shoulders and grasped her hands.

“Lennox Moore,” I began. “Every good thing in my life is because of you. You’ve given me hope when I was lost, you given me life when I was dead and buried, and now you’ve given me that perfect little girl.

“You view yourself as bad and ugly, as a pestilence in the world, but you are the sun to me. Without you the flowers die. I don’t have warmth. I was in darkness and the worst part was, I didn’t even realize it.

“I’m not going to pretend we’ve had it easy, or that because we’re putting on rings and standing in nice clothes it’s suddenly going to be easy, but what I am going to say is that there is no other person I want to be with. Good times, bad times, any time, I want it to be you.” I took a breath. “I’ll always be safe with you.”

Though Lenny had my hands in a vice grip, her hold tightening with each sentence, she waited. She waited for me to finish my words, for me to bleed the words out. When I was done and nothing save the smack of the water against the boat was heard, she fell into me. I wrapped my arms around her, caressing her tangled curls, the skin of her back, the small of her waist. She ran her hands along my shoulders, over my back, up my neck, and into my hair.

Even in the dark, we found each other.

As we would always find each other.

Throughout her pregnancy with Ophelia and after, I’d grown gentler. I shackled our tortured passion to the wall. There was always a part of me that felt the gnawing urge to claim and conquer. I wanted her to feel me for days, to scream out my name, but I tamped it down. For them.

In that cave I let myself have what I’d been denying for nearly a year. I gave into the primal passion I’d been suppressing for Ophelia. I gripped Lenny’s shoulders, I pulled her close, and I thrust my tongue into her. It wasn’t easy for a man like me to say those things, to rip out my heart and trust someone to keep it. I knew Lenny would hold it safe; I knew that now, but that didn’t make it any easier. Lenny needed the proclamations and the words, but I needed this. I needed the kiss.

We broke apart after I was sure her lips were bruised and swollen. Her pants were louder than the rocking of the waves beneath us, her cheeks hot beneath the finger I caressed to her cheek. She nodded into my chest, and I held her as the boat made its final lap.

I let my mind wander, as if it really was the universe above us. It was an apt metaphor, I thought. For all of our relationship, we’d been stuck. We’d been buried, and we had to make our own universe. We had to force ourselves to see the stars beyond the walls. Down there, we didn’t have to force it. The stars glowed brightly, even if they were just worms.

Our entire relationship had felt up to fate, up to the universe to decide. There we were, under the ground in New Zealand, and it was clear that the universe didn’t make anything. It was just a bunch of worms pretending to be stars. Worms that could have otherwise been eating the dead.

Dead men like me.

As the tunnel came to an end, the light from outside peeking through, I knew our friends, family, and our perfect little daughter would be waiting for us. Anything else that was waiting, be it boogiemen, worms, or fate, Lenny and I would face it. Together.

Letting go of this series was bittersweet. Come To Me and the entire Owned series were more than just books, they were pieces of me. More than that, they were pieces ripped at an already rough and bloody time in my life. At times, Lenny and Vic’s ride seemed to mirror my own. Anyone with mental illness or who has been affected by mental illness knows that there is no cure. There is no magical fantasy where love fixes everything and everyone lives happily ever after, but that doesn’t mean everything is hopeless.

That’s what this series meant to me. I realized even if a love isn’t perfect, that doesn’t mean it isn’t salvageable. Where love exists there is always something worth saving.