Let Me Go (Owned 2)

“Thank you, Mama.”

I left, even though it was going to get me beat. I left, even though Daddy was still awake. I left, even though he would discover my absence in less than ten minutes. Nauseated, terrified, but feeling something for myself for the first time in my entire life, I left.

Robinson Crusoe did more than endure years on his island; he prospered. He was shipwrecked but built a home and a family and a farm, eventually escaping anyway. He got out and got back to his real home. I stayed up all night reading Robinson Crusoe. The books were never long enough.

It got me thinking that maybe I was shipwrecked. I was shipwrecked but not living the way Robinson Crusoe did. Instead of building a farm, I was letting the cannibals get me. Instead of looking for a way off the island, I was accepting my fate.

So I left. I left to explore my island. Eli was already waiting for me, at the exact same spot where we’d met the day before. When he saw me he ran up, concern etching his features.

“What the hell happened to you?”

Eli’s cussword slapped me with nearly as much impact as Daddy’s hands.

“Could you not cuss?”

“What?” Eli looked at me as if I were speaking another language. I knew by the times I spent listening at my window that cussing was a common thing, a thing people did freely. The first time I heard the word “damn” was when, listening through the window, I heard my neighbor say it after stubbing his toe.

I thought it was a marvelous word.

I was five and told Daddy this wonderful new word.

He slapped me across the face and dragged me into his room where he slapped me some more. The next day he asked me to tell him the new word I’d learned. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to be beat again. He insisted, said it would be okay. Hesitantly, I told him.

He grabbed me so hard by the shoulder it dislocated. It was the first time he’d dislocated my shoulder.

He yelled at me, said the devil had captured my soul and was using my mouth to speak. He left me on my bed, dislocated shoulder and all, to pray for my sins. My shoulder swelled and blackened.

Later that night Mama came to visit me for the first time. She shoved the shoulder back in place, but I never regained full motility.

When I heard people swear, I got a commingled sense of freedom and fear. The words felt like Mama sneaking into my room in the dead of night and slamming my shoulder back into place. They also felt like the nights when I would whisper, under the cloak of my blanket, the words that caused me so much pain. I wasn’t sure why I whispered them to myself. If Daddy were to find me, the pain I would endure would be great. Even so, something inside me thrilled at the sound spilling from my lips.

“What happened to your face, Grace?” Eli repeated. He reached out to my face, but hesitated. I must have flinched.

“I fell down,” I whispered, looking down. I was embarrassed that I was ugly and so unlike the other people he played with.

A cloud passed overhead, giving the brief illusion of dusk. Distantly I heard the sound of a plane passing, the circular buzzing of its engine growing then fading into the distance. Every sound was magnified to me, so much more than when I just sat by my window and listened.

Eli gave me a look, but didn’t press the issue. “Have you ever read To Kill A Mockingbird?”

“Yes!” I perked up, finally excited to have something in common.

“So you remember Boo Radley an’ his tree?”

I nodded.

“What I’m getting at is,” Eli continued. “Since ya don’t have a phone or email, when we want to meet we can put something in this tree.” Eli walked away, gesturing for me to follow him. I followed cautiously since we were entering someone’s yard.

I looked around nervously. “Can we be here?”

“This is the Nelsons’ yard,” Eli said, as if that explained everything. I followed him past the house and into the backyard. It all seemed so strange to me. I would never have thought it was okay to just walk into that place, but Eli led with such confidence that I didn’t question it.

The backyard was well kept, unlike mine. Where we had overgrown wheat bushes and grass, this yard had a nice green lawn, a small fountain, and even a birdhouse. It was like walking through a magical forest.

“Here’s the tree.” Eli stopped in front of a large sugar maple tree. “And here is the hole. I was thinking we could stick notes and letters in here and that’s how we can communicate.” I nodded, smiling big. It was brilliant.

“Eli Jackson! What are you doing to my tree?”

I froze at the unfamiliar adult voice. Caught. We were caught and we were going to be punished.