I cut her off. “No, no I don’t want to use toys.”
Vera nodded. “So what you gotta rely on then is your mind. Your fingers are gonna do some work, but it’s mostly your mind, like when you have your good dreams.” I gulped. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.
Vera touched my shoulder kindly. “Gracie, it seems scary, but it’s supposed to be fun, so do what makes you comfortable.”
I made a sound between a groan and a sigh. “It all makes me uncomfortable.”
“Well, what makes you comfortable?”
Eli. His face popped up unbidden.
“Aha!” Vera pointed at me excitedly. “See there’s something in there that makes you feel right and good and whole, and that’s what you got to focus on.” Vera lowered her hand and started to explain. At first it was overwhelming, listening to her be so blunt about what I felt was forbidden and taboo. Vera had an easy quality about her, though, a way of making you forget yourself. Soon I relaxed into the sheets and listened as Vera told me the details of how to touch myself.
It was nearly three in the morning, but I was wired. After Vera had given me a crash course in self-pleasure, we’d spent a few more minutes talking but it was obvious she was fading. Her eyelids were drooping and she was yawning every other sentence. I hugged her goodnight and went to my room.
Now I sat cross-legged, staring at various objects in my room. Everything Vera and I had talked about was fresh in my mind, as was Eli. I wanted to do it. I wanted to touch myself. My fingers rested on my thigh, but I just couldn’t get them to move.
I picked up my phone, my renegade mind spurring me on. Feeling like I was detached from my body, like some other force was willing me to do it, I dialed the number.
“Hello?” Eli’s tired voice answered on the last ring. I felt badly as I’d probably woken him up. I nearly hung up, the voice in my head saying to let him sleep. I pushed forward.
“Eli?” I croaked.
“Grace?” His previously tired voice sounded so much more awake. My heart pounded like a drumbeat. “Gracie is something wrong?”
You’re not here, for starters. “I’m thinking of you,” I whispered. I felt wanton and lascivious, only moments ago thinking about touching myself to the thought of him. I was naked in my bed with his voice in my ear.
“You are?” he asked suspiciously.
“I’m naked,” I whispered.
“You are?” Eli repeated, but now his voice sounded low and dark, like he’d swallowed marbles.
Seconds passed before I said, “I wish you were here.”
“Gracie,” Eli said, urgency lacing his voice. “I could be there in a heartbeat, just say the words.”
A fire burned in my gut. I wanted Eli with me. I wanted him in my bed, kissing me, holding me, telling me everything was going to be okay. I craved his touch and smell. More than anything, I needed him. It wasn’t fair to him, because I was broken. It would be like sellin’ him a broken horse and pretending it ran. I was never gonna run again and he needed someone that could. I should have hung up, let him be, and cut the frayed cord I’d been holdin’ on to. God help me, I couldn’t hang up.
“What would you do if you were here?” I murmured into the phone.
“I’d kiss those soft, full lips of yours,” Eli responded instantly.
My fingers lowered between my thighs. “And?”
“And I’d kiss that soft, full pussy of yours.” His words startled and excited me. I breathed deeply as I inserted a finger inside myself, feeling forbidden.
“Tell me Grace,” Eli groaned into the phone. “Tell me what you’re doin’.”
“I’m…” I felt the finger inside me. It felt so good, but it felt like a secret. You weren’t supposed to tell secrets.
“Tell me, Grace,” Eli growled. “Where?”
“Uh…” I stalled, finger still inside.
“Are you touchin’ that perfect pussy of yours?”
“Yes,” I gasped. Eli groaned. It was a long minute before anyone said anything, our breathing the only sound on the line. It was perfect. I felt like my insides had been caramelized.