There are so many things in my life that I regret, but having you is not one of them. I regret marrying your daddy, but I don’t regret what it gave me: you. I regret that it took me so long to finally gain the courage to free us from him.
I’m dying, baby girl, I can feel it in my bones. It’s my time. I don’t want you to be sad about that. I hope you’re living your life and you never have to come back to this godforsaken place. Because it is God forsaken. There is no god in this town.
If you do come back, and you read this, I need to tell you a few things.
Your daddy was a charmer back in his day. He was handsome, and he could sing. Boy, could he sing. The day we met he was singing at a tavern and I fell for him with my entire body and soul and I didn’t look back. I should have looked back.
You grew up with your daddy sick. It happened gradually for me. It’s not an excuse, but it’s why I didn’t run away with you and never look back. I kept waiting for him to go back to how he had been. By the time I wised up and took care of it for us, it was too late. The damage was done. I’m so, so sorry baby girl.
I hope you know that I eventually grew strong enough to take care of him. He didn’t die of a heart attack. The second day you were in the hospital I decided enough was enough and I went home and I took care of him. For me. For us.
The police know that. The doctors know that. I know that. I was dying when I decided to take care of Daddy. I couldn’t bear the thought that I’d leave you alone with him. Maybe the police thought my death was punishment enough, or maybe they hated Daddy as much as I did. I don’t know. I waited months for them to take me away, and they never did.
You probably don’t remember much about your brother. You were so young when he left. His name is Vic, but then you already know that. We adopted him before we knew we could have children of our own. I don’t regret that. I regret what happened to him. I think about him every day. I wonder how he is and what he’s doing. I wonder if he’s okay. I love him deeply, but I was weak. I let what happened to you happen to him. He left us like you left. He got away. If there is one thing that I don’t regret, it’s that you took what you could find about him. I hope you found Vic. I hope you both find each other.
I hope you find love. I hope you find laughter. I hope you live a life different than mine, but I hope you know that mine was made worth it because you and your brother were in it.
I love you.
Tears streamed freely from my eyes, like water from a faucet. I didn’t know when they’d started but now that they were flowing I couldn’t stop them. I gripped the letter between both hands so tight that I might have torn it from the middle. There was so much I was crying for, so much I was mourning for, that I just sat crumpled on the now stripped bed.
Everything was packed. We had a few hours before our plane left. Mama’s letter was fresh in my mind, like a tattoo on my thoughts.
I stared out at the oxford blue sky, still peppered with stars, feeling like a tourist among ancient ruins. Only a few years before I’d been trapped in this place; now I had returned free. I placed my hand on the fading wood wraparound, remembering all the nights the railing had felt like a wooden cage. That was all this place was now, though: memories. I could walk away from my memories. They weren’t physical. They didn’t have wooden walls with peeling wallpaper.
I heard the screen door creak open and turned around to see Vic.
“Oh,” he said. “Sorry, I didn’t know you were out here.”
“Just thinkin’,” I responded, returning my gaze outward.
“We’re about to drive up to Macon to donate the boxes. If there’s anything you want to keep, I suggest you get it now before we head out.”
I nodded. “Anything you want?”
Vic shook his head. “I left this place a long time ago.”
I looked up at the sky, thinking about his words. “I spoke with Lennox.”
“And?”
“She said we’re family.”
Vic placed his hands in his pockets and ambled over to my side. “She’s right.”
“You’re okay with that?” Turning my back to the night, I leaned on the railing. Vic faced the town, but his eyes were elsewhere, his vision clouded by thought.
“I shouldn’t have left you,” he said eventually.
I shrugged. “You didn’t know what was g
oing to happen.”
“I could have checked up on you.” Vic adjusted to look at me. “I could have come back. Mama called and…”
I put my hand out to stop his words. “I know.”
“You know?” Vic’s dark eyes were piercing. There was something in them that I’d never seen before: regret. I was willing to bet all my money that Mama had told him about me. Maybe Mama had thought he’d come and get me.