My friend grinned and brushed his lavender hair off his forehead. “I don’t know how I got so lucky.”
“Karma,” I said. “You’re a good person, and the universe is channeling it back to you.” As I watched the kitten patrol the kitchen floor on his short little legs, I found myself asking, “Do you think there’s any chance—no, never mind.”
My best friend put two rainbow-striped mugs on the table and asked, “What were you going to say?”
I hesitated before admitting, “I was going to ask if you think there’s any chance Micah and I might end up with a happily ever after, the way you and Wes did.”
He sat down beside me and said, “You’re in love with him, aren’t you?” I turned my gaze to my hands, which were fidgeting with my coffee mug. After a moment, I nodded. “Why is that so hard for you to admit?”
“Because it’s terrifying. What if he doesn’t feel the same way?”
“He does. It’s so obvious!”
“I don’t know. He’s always been very affectionate, even right from the start. Maybe that’s all it is.”
“It’s more than that,” my friend said, “and you should tell him how you feel.”
“I want to, but can you imagine how awful it’d be if it wasn’t mutual? There’s no way I could stay there if I made things totally awkward between us. Then after I left, Micah would be all alone, and he still has over three and a half months to go on his sentence.”
“So, you’re just going to keep your feelings to yourself?”
“Not forever. I’ll tell him in January, when the job is over and he’s not stuck in that house,” I said. “Everything’s going to change once those words are out of my mouth. Hopefully they’ll change for the better, and he’ll tell me he loves me, too. But as long as there’s even a chance this is one-sided, I need to keep quiet about it.”
After a moment, he asked, “Do you think you might just be stalling because you’re afraid of being rejected?”
“I know that’s part of it. I want Micah more than I’ve ever wanted anyone in my entire life, and if he doesn’t feel the same way about me, I’ll be devastated. I don’t even know how I’ll come back from something like that.”
“I wish you could see what I do when I’m with the two of you,” he said.
“I know he cares about me, but that’s not the same as being in love with someone. If he loved me, wouldn’t he be making plans for us? Instead, he’s doing the exact opposite.”
“In what way?”
“He’s helping me apply for a four-year program that’s going to keep me in the city, but his only plan once his sentence is up is to leave San Francisco. Don’t you think that’s a bad sign? If he wanted to take me with him when he left, would he really be encouraging me to tie myself down like that?”
Ash was one of the most cheerful people I knew, but that deflated him a bit. He wanted so badly to believe this would all work out, but even he was having a hard time reconciling that one. Finally, he said, “Well, a lot can happen between now and January. Maybe he’ll change his mind about leaving.”
“Maybe.”
Ash took a sip of coffee before asking, “Why are we both acting depressed? This is a good thing. You’re in love!”
“I am, and I want to be optimistic about it, but I just don’t know what’s going to happen. Right now, Micah and I work so well together, but this isn’t his real life. I guess you could say I’m the only man in the world for him, but that’s just because his entire universe consists of that house. In reality, he’s a famous rock star who’s traveled the world and seen and done things I can only dream of. And I’m…well, me. We really have nothing in common.”
Ash grinned at me. “Like Wes and I do? He and I couldn’t be more different, but it totally works.”
“You two are perfect because you balance each other. Where he’s cautious, you’re spontaneous, and so on. I don’t think Micah and I fit together like that.”
“No, you two are something else. Micah is a total caretaker, and you’re someone who wants to be taken care of, no matter how much you try to deny it.”
“I don’t like that part of me. I’ve spent my whole life trying to be strong and independent, making sure I don’t need anyone…” My voice trailed off, and Ash rested his hand on mine.
“You had no choice, Jasper,” he said gently. “When your mom died, you learned to be self-sufficient out of necessity. I think losing her is also what made you put up walls around yourself.”
“Did I?”
When I met his gaze, there was nothing but sympathy in his eyes. “I can only imagine how devastating it was to lose the most important person in your life,” he said. “I can also see how that kind of pain would make you afraid of letting anyone get close to you again. So, yeah, you put up walls. It took me almost a year to bust through them and gain your trust after we met, and I get it—if you don’t let anyone in, you can’t be hurt by losing them.”