Out in the End Zone (Out in College 2)

“Oh.”

“Your fan club showed up in full force tonight,” I commented around a mouthful of food.

“The freshman girls?” He chuckled as he uncapped a water bottle. “Yeah. They’re sweet. They’ve followed me for a while, but they’ve gone bonkers since I published the links to our videos.”

“Hmm. I’ve got a lot of new followers suddenly too. And people looking at me funny at school. I think I should come out on your video,” I blurted, out of the fucking blue.

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me. We can do it together.”

“No. I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

I stared at him for a second in surprise. In light of my freak-out at the gym, I thought it was fucking brilliant. If he was with me, I could do anything. “Why not? We talked about this. We both want this.”

“You have to come out on your own. Not with me. I’m already out, and I have my own story. This one is all you. It’s too personal a statement to attach to someone else’s school project. It’s got to be yours, and it has to be real.”

“It is real,” I insisted. “Why not get it out there all at once? It’s a good idea.”

“It’s okay. But the videos aren’t real, Evan. They’re scripted. Sure, we ad-lib and we both know there’s truth under the silly questions about sex and intense debates about Grandma’s cookies, but you have other parts of your life that are partially scripted too. The way you act with your football friends and that girl who thinks she still has a shot with you.”

“Nicole?”

“If you say so,” he retorted.

I furrowed my brow. “She wouldn’t think so if I came out.”

“Sure she would. She’s been busy posting photos from parties and football games lately. Did you know that? She posted something an hour ago…a text thread about your date on Saturday.”

I gaped at him in surprise. “Are you kidding me? That just happened, and it’s not even true.”

Mitch gave me a sharp look. “It doesn’t matter. It’s out there.”

“I agreed to go to the fund raiser, but it’s not a date. I’m not going with her. I’m just attending. The text messages got scrambled with one I was sending Jonesie and—come on, Mitch. You know I’m not interested in Nicole.”

“Yeah, I know. But it’s kind of fuzzy to everyone else. So coming out on a video you’re doing with me is just white noise. It’s a titillating sound byte that may or may not be sincere. Get it? ‘Faux or No?’ It’s just another plot twist. Viewers will eat it up.”

“So? Isn’t that a good thing?”

“I don’t think so.” He sighed unhappily and looked away. “It makes me feel a little sick.”

“Will you feel better if I come out?”

He frowned and bit his bottom lip hard. I wasn’t sure what he was thinking, but I was obviously saying all the wrong things. I felt like I was moving in the dark, bumping into furniture, and waking up old ghosts.

“You’ve asked me that so many times, Ev. My answer is never going to change. If you come out, it has to be your idea. Not mine.”

“I didn’t mean ‘if,’ I meant ‘when,’ ” I explained, putting my fork in the container and setting it on the counter. “Look, I thought you’d be cool with this.”

“Cool with what? Being real fake boyfriends? No. I’m not cool with it. I never wanted to be fake anything. This wasn’t supposed to happen,” he said, clearly agitated.

“Hey, we aren’t fake. We’re real. You know we are. Everyone else is weighing in now too. They’re taking pictures and videos and following us around and…why not tell them the truth? I thought we were on the same page here. I thought you wanted…us.”

“I do. I want us. I want you. I’m so in lo—I want too much.”

Tears trickled down his cheeks. He swiped them away with the back of his hand and looked away. I moved into his space and held him close. “Why are you crying?”

“This isn’t gonna work. Not now. You need space.”

I let him go and lifted his chin. “No, I don’t. It’s working. It’s good. We’re good.”

“No. Don’t you get it? You can’t come out because of me. Or anyone else. I keep saying, ‘When you’re ready,’ but you can’t be ready if you’re being smothered by thousands of strangers who want to know your shoe size one minute and who you really fuck the next. You have a real life with family and friends who love you. You don’t need the strangers.”

“But I need you,” I said softly.

“You have me. I’m not going anywhere. I’m just making room for you.”

My brow creased so hard I had a headache. “Is that code for something? I’m not good at codes. What are you saying?”

“I can’t be in your way.”