Fuck. I hadn’t meant to say that out loud. I opened my mouth to downplay the sentiment, but I couldn’t do it. I did love him. Completely and without reservation. And I’d do anything for him.
“Then why do you want me to go?” he asked.
The pain in his voice surprised me. I bit my lip and swiped at a tear in the corner of my eye. “I don’t. It’s just the way it has to be for now.”
“There’s got to be another way. I don’t want to lose you, Der.”
I reached out to tentatively caress his cheek. “You’ll never lose me. I’ll always be here for you. It’ll just be different. For now.”
“I don’t want different. I want us…the way we are.”
“Just for now.”
“Der…baby…” He pulled me against his chest and held me tightly.
I clung to his shirt and let out a pained sob. I was afraid to release him, but the weight of our combined pain was almost too much to bear. One of us had to let go.
After a minute or so, I pushed back gently and swiped my hand across my nose when I heard the front door clicked open. Evan’s footsteps reverberated on the hardwood flooring. Any second now he’d walk in. Just what I needed.
“You should leave.”
Gabe’s nostrils flared. He looked angry and upset and on the verge of losing his shit. His eyes were wet with unshed tears. Fuck, he was breaking my heart.
“I’m gonna figure this out. I—I’ll find a way. Trust me,” he whispered fervently. He held my gaze intently before walking away.
I froze in place. I heard low voices in the next room, but I couldn’t make out words above the rush of blood to my head.
What had I done? Was this over? It wasn’t right.
I turned abruptly and grunted a greeting when Evan walked into the kitchen. I was aware of him moving behind me. The refrigerator opening, the front door closing. Normal everyday sounds while my world fell to pieces around me. The jarring contrast was so fucking wrong. And why did it suddenly hurt to breathe? I let out a ragged rush of air and tried to pull myself together. Fast. Evan was going to start asking questions any second now and—
“What’s not right?” he asked, as if on cue.
I didn’t bother turning around. “Huh?”
“You just said, ‘It’s not right.’ Are you okay?”
I shrugged, then headed down the hallway toward my room. Evan moved in front of me and shot his arm out to bar me from entering.
“What are you doing?” I slinked under his arm and pointed my finger, wordlessly asking him to get out.
Because he was Evan, he stepped around me and flopped onto my mattress with an expectant look.
“I’m not leaving until you tell me what’s going on,” he said matter-of-factly. “What’s up with you and Gabe?”
I backed up and leaned against the wall with my arms crossed. “Just water polo stuff. No big deal,” I bluffed.
His gaze traveled slowly from my shoes to my face. He made eye contact with me briefly, then looked away. “Will it make it easier if I tell you I already know?”
I opened and closed my mouth twice before moving to my bed. I grabbed my pillow and held it against my chest like a shield, then swallowed hard. Fuck, could this day possibly get any worse?
“What do you know?” I croaked, licking my suddenly dry lips.
“You’re gay, and he’s your boyfriend.”
I didn’t respond right away. The certainty in his tone made it clear my confirmation was merely a formality. I let out a deep sigh and fell forward, bracing my elbows on my knees.
“Mmm.”
“Am I close?”
“Does it matter?” I countered.
“Not to me. It would have been nice to hear it from you instead of—”
“Who told you?”
Evan scrunched his nose and made a funny face. “Nobody told me. I’ve got ears, dude. I know what sex through the walls sounds like, and I know the only person who comes over regularly is Gabe. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to put the pieces together. So are you…a couple?”
“No.”
“Did you just break up?” he asked gently.
“I guess we did.” I stared at Evan’s scuffed Nikes and willed myself not to break down when tears welled in my eyes.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Evan…” I held my breath for a moment, then sighed heavily. “I don’t know how to talk to you or anyone about this. Yes, I’m gay or bi or whatever but—”
“That’s cool. You know no one really cares anymore, right? I mean, love who you want. Be true to yourself.”
“It would be nice if it was that simple,” I scoffed.
“Why isn’t it? You wouldn’t be the first gay or bi athletes to come out. And it might actually help younger people going through the same thing. If you’re ready…I guess.”