“Oh, Derek.” Amanda threw herself into my arms and sniffed. I closed my eyes and held her close while she cried.
I felt bad I’d caused her sorrow, but I didn’t love her in the same way, at the same time, or to the same degree. Perhaps our story would have been different if I’d been braver. But then I wouldn’t have known Gabe the way I did now. And I wouldn’t have acknowledged the other part of me. I’d still be in the dark.
Now I was something closer to free.
At four fifteen I strode purposefully into the empty locker room. I didn’t have a workout bag with me today. No towel, no Speedo…nothing that marked me as “one of the guys.” I wasn’t part of a team at the moment. I was alone in the deep end, hoping I remembered how to swim when this was over.
I headed for my locker out of habit as Eminem pumped me up and encouraged me to lose myself and seize my moment. I bopped my head to the beat and let the cadence build as I paced around the row of benches. Up one side, down the next. You got this. You can do this. I raised my fist in the air as I rounded a metal bench for another lap and ran into a brick wall or a—
“What are you doing here?” I asked. “You should be in the pool.”
Gabe fastened his towel around his waist and shook the excess water from his hair, then locked his gaze on me. The intensity in his stare overwhelmed me. It was like he was speaking without words, but I couldn’t understand him with my head whirling in twenty directions at once. I ripped my earbuds out and stuffed them into my sweatshirt pocket and motioned for him to answer.
“I was in the pool. I saw you walk in.” He paused as he stepped closer to me. “And I wanted to talk you. Alone.”
“Oookay.”
“Der, I know what you’re going to do and—”
“Don’t try to stop me,” I warned, narrowing my gaze. “I won’t mention your name at all. I promise. But this is important to me. It’s something I need to do. I’ve been up all night asking myself if this mattered. I could blow off any rumor Amanda started and pretend to be insulted anyone would suggest I’m gay. But I don’t want to live like that. I’m not giving her or anyone else the upper hand. I won’t let them say I’m less than or unworthy. I’m not,” I hissed.
Gabe raised his hands in surrender and gave a lopsided grin. “I know who you are. And I won’t try to stop you. I love you, Der.”
I cocked my head. “Love?”
He closed the distance between us until he stood directly in front of me. Bare feet next to a pair of black and white Vans. My fully clothed state should have given me some sort of advantage, but I’d never felt more vulnerable in my life.
“Yes. I love you. And I did some thinking too. I—” He glanced toward the door and then back at me. “Shoot. They’re coming. We can talk after. Just know that whatever you say, I’m on your side, baby.”
I furrowed my brow in confusion when he stepped away just as the rest of our team filed into the locker room.
“Hey, Vaughn. What’s your deal? If you’re sick, stay the fuck away from me, man,” Troy said, offering me a fist bump anyway.
“I’m fine,” I assured him.
I greeted a few more of the guys and then jumped on a bench and whistled loudly to get everyone’s attention. No one looked alarmed or even curious. After practice powwows were a norm. They probably thought I’d popped in to give a team pep talk and remind everyone to keep playing hard even though I’d basically taken two days off. I had maybe three minutes before they were itching to head to the showers and get the fuck out of here.
I cast my gaze over the dozen or so guys looking my way. “Um…I have something to tell you. I had a speech but honestly, I forgot half of it. I’ve known most of you for years. You guys are my brothers. I care about you and I hope we stay in touch after graduation and—”
“What the fuck? Are you quitting?” Jason asked.
I shook my head in response. “No, I’m not quitting. I’m not sick. I’m not going anywhere and there’s nothing wrong. I’m…” I swallowed hard around the instant wave of nausea before blurting, “I’m gay. Actually, I’m bi. And I just…I wanted you to hear it from me. Any questions?”
Silence. I wasn’t sure if that was a relief or cause for concern. Then someone cleared his throat behind me.
“Yeah. Will you go out with me?”