Out in the Field (Out in College 4)

I caught the ball and threw it to home plate when the umpire signaled it was time to begin. Then I punched my mitt and cleared some dirt off the first base bag before glancing to the stands one last time. And there he was…

Phoenix sat next to his sister and Sarah, two rows above my parents, wearing my Dodger cap. The sight of that blue cap in a sea of black and red made my heart race. My fears of exposure and isolation fell away. It felt like something inside me was telling me I’d be okay as long as I had him. And I knew to listen to my instincts.

My smile was automatic and wide. Maybe I should have been concerned about my worlds colliding, but at that moment, I wasn’t. If anything, I was anxious to show off for him. Kind of like the older, slightly more mature version of the kid who’d set the crickets free in the science lab after Jamie Poleski said it was cruel to keep them in a container. I wanted the person I thought about day and night to notice me, and maybe think I was worthy of him.

I had one of my best games ever. I hit two home runs, a single, and a double. I made a few wicked plays, including one where I jumped three feet to catch a ball before throwing it to Sky, who’d moved in to cover second. He tagged the runner out and launched the ball for home plate in what was probably the play of the day. Or at least one that made anyone who’d doubted him think twice.

We won five to nothing against a competitive team. And everyone there knew it was a big fucking deal. We high-fived, fist-bumped, chest-bumped, and smacked each other upside the head in the dugout. Then we grabbed our gear and met our friends and family for another round of celebration.

I flipped my cap backward and grinned like a fool when I saw Phoenix near the gate. My mom intercepted me before I got anywhere. She smothered me in an Esteé Lauder-scented embrace then reached for the guy behind me…Sky. She hugged him like he was her long lost fourth son while my dad ran through a couple of his favorite plays with me. I nodded absently as I tried to wade through major sensory overload and keep an eye out for the guy in the blue cap. My parents, Sky. And Javi, calling my name in the distance.

“…oh Sky honey, we’ve missed you. Come for dinner tomorrow. I always tell Max to bring his friends and…”

“…bottom of the seventh homer was a beauty, son. If you play like that every time…”

“Max! Are you coming?”

I glanced up just as Javi approached with Sarah, Sunny, and…Phoenix.

“Sorry to interrupt, Mr. and Mrs. M,” Javi said. “We’re gonna take off to Pizza Dome now. Minsky needs a ride. I can fit one more in my car, but…”

I tuned out the excess conversations and focused on my lover, returning his tentative smile with a wobbly one. Neither of us said a word. Phoenix looked overwhelmed, and honestly, I felt the same way. I was happy to see him, but I didn’t know how to greet him. Pretending we were acquaintances seemed wrong. I had to figure out how I’d introduce him to my folks. “Mom, Dad, this is my super good friend, Phoenix,” might work, I mused. But before I could open mouth, Sky moved into my space and set a proprietary hand on my arm. Like an old friend…or a lover.

The small touch might seem insignificant, but it was far from innocent. It was a classic power play. A way of inserting himself and staking a claim. My parents and friends wouldn’t know my ex was playing games, but Phoenix definitely would. And Sky knew it.

I was fucked.

I shook Sky off, but it was too late. Phoenix cast a funny look between us then met my eyes…and cracked. Just a little frown, like a subtle fissure no one other than maybe Sunny would notice. But I noticed. And I didn’t know how to fix it without breaking everything. Fuck.

The entire exchange lasted three seconds, but it packed a punch. In fact, it reverberated and took on a life of its own, spilling a river of unspoken truths and lies so deep I’d need a fucking rowboat to navigate around the mess I’d made. I should have known it would be something I didn’t say or do that would bring me down.

Suddenly, I couldn’t fucking breathe. The adrenaline high followed by a major crash was disorienting. I stood there like a coward and tried not to panic as my mom chatted with Sunny and Sarah, and my dad continued his play-by-play, while Phoenix and I stared at each other, equally lost and unsure.