Out in the Field (Out in College 4)

“This isn’t like that.”

“Of course it is. And I have no right to be upset, and I think that pisses me off even more. I agreed to this. It was my idea. I said baseball comes first. I said we should keep quiet ’cause this was not a relationship. I said it was sex only.” He paused when his voice cracked. “It’s not true for me anymore. And I can’t pretend I’m okay sitting on the sideline.” He sucked in a gulp of air, then took the cap off and handed it to me. “Here.”

“I don’t want this.”

“It’s yours.”

“Not the cap. I don’t care about the fucking cap. I don’t want any of this.” I spread my arms to indicate something I couldn’t quite verbalize. “Sky is just…jealous. But him being back doesn’t change anything.”

“It changes everything,” he snapped.

“No, it doesn’t,” I insisted stubbornly.

“I’m out, Max. I can’t fight for my place in the closet. I don’t fit here. You know it as well I do.”

“No. Look, we don’t have to announce anything, but there’s no reason to hide that we’re friends. People can think we’re more than friends if they want, but—”

“I don’t want to be your friend.” Phoenix’s bottom lip trembled, and his nostrils flared. “Don’t you get it?”

“No, I don’t get it.”

“I love you.”

Oh. Wow. I gulped. “I…”

“It’s okay. You don’t have to say anything.” Phoenix swiped at the corner of his eye, then leaned in to kiss my cheek. “Take care, Max.”

I stared after him, holding a cap and a bag full of baseball gear that felt so heavy, I didn’t think I could move on my own. I dropped my bag and looked up at the sky. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t call for help. My voice didn’t work anymore anyway. I was silenced.

I couldn’t feel anything at first. That might have been what made it possible to pick up my stuff and shuffle to my car. I threw everything in the trunk and glanced around the deserted parking lot before climbing behind the wheel. I sat still for a moment, unsure what to do or where to go. I didn’t want to go home. I didn’t want to be with my teammates or my family.

I wanted more than I could have.

Maybe that was when I slowly began to crack. I shook like a leaf. And once I started, I couldn’t stop. I white-knuckled the steering wheel and swallowed around a ball of emotion so thick, it threatened to choke the life out of me.

Fuck, I wished I were stronger, braver. I couldn’t do this anymore. I didn’t want to hide. I didn’t want to lie. All I wanted was Phoenix.

* * *

Somehow I made it home. I dodged calls from Javi, Minsky, and even Micah, wondering why the hell I hadn’t shown up for pizza. I sent a quick text to Javi telling him I was sick. I threw a couple of green-faced vomit emojis in so he wouldn’t be tempted to come by and check on me. I stared at my cell and tried to think of what to do. I hunkered down in the living room and lost myself in video games until four a.m. Then I pulled a throw blanket over my legs and fell asleep on the sofa. For four measly hours.

I woke up with a stiff back, a crick in my neck, and Christian and Rory staring down at me.

“Good morning, sunshine.”

“What are you guys doing here?” I countered as I slowly sat up and rubbed my eyes.

“I needed to pick up some clothes,” Christian said.

“You look rough. I’ll make coffee,” Rory offered, rubbing Christian’s shoulder absently.

Christian nodded before addressing me in a worried tone. “What are you doing out here? Are you sick?”

“No. I’m fine.”

“You don’t look fine. You look wrecked.”

“I’m fine,” I repeated.

Christian picked up the remote from the floor and turned off the television. I was sure he’d harp about me leaving it on all night and start asking probing questions about my video game binge session. I had to get to my room before he—

“How was your game?”

I shrugged. “Fine.”

“Did you win?”

“Yeah. It was…”

“If you say ‘fine’ again, I’m gonna kick your ass.” He scowled.

I gave him a weak smile. “It was a good game, but everything else kinda sucked.”

“What happened?”

“You can probably figure it out. Phoenix came to the game, Sky saw him, put it all together, made a few crappy remarks and…”

“He broke up with you because of Sky?” Christian asked, furrowing his brow.

“No, I don’t think that’s it. Not really. The deal just sort of fell apart.”

“What deal?”

“We weren’t a real couple, Chrissy. He wasn’t my boyfriend. We had a deal and we had rules and we didn’t stick to them and now…” I huffed in exasperation and raked my hand through my hair. “He’s gone.”