Out on the Ice (Out in College 5)

“Harry was Harry. He was kind and careful and steady. He kept saying he understood. Over and over again. ‘It’s okay, I understand.’ That’s all.”

“He’s a good guy.”

“Yeah, but he wasn’t the guy I wanted, and I hated him for it. It’s taken me a long time to accept that change happens, grief happens, and life is totally unfair sometimes. Harry didn’t deserve all that BS. We’re in a good place now, but I feel bad when I think about the shit I used to say to him. Don’t get me wrong, he still bugs me. Incessantly happy people are freaking weird. Am I right? But he’s a good guy, and he makes my mom happy, so I try not to roll my eyes too loudly when he tries to save the world,” I huffed in amusement.

Sky chuckled. “Do you think he’s trying to save me?”

“Probably.”

“Someone should tell him I’m a lost cause.”

“Not me. I think you’re pretty amazing,” I gushed, slipping his beer bottle from his hand and tipping it back.

“That’s because I suck your cock,” he countered.

I knew he was kidding, but the flippant remark pissed me off. I set the bottle down and glowered at him.

“No, that’s not why. If you never sucked my dick again, I’d still think you’re amazing. This isn’t just about sex anymore, Sky. You aren’t my bi experiment. You’re more than that to me.”

Sky cocked his head in surprise. “Colby, I’m not…”

“You’re not what?”

“I’m not good enough for you. You can do so much better than me. I’m not special. I’m the opposite of special. I’m everything you thought I was when you first met me. You shouldn’t trust me or want me. I’m a liar, a thief, a sinner. My own family kicked me out, for fuck’s sake. They’d been quietly pushing me away for years, but when I actually said the words out loud…everything changed.”

“How’d they push you away? What do you mean?”

“I wasn’t just into baseball. I liked other things…less masculine things. Every time they caught me playing with my sister’s Barbie or dancing to a ‘girlie’ song, I had something taken away. I can’t tell you how many nights I’d sit in my room, staring out the window at my family sitting around a bonfire in the backyard, roasting marshmallows and telling ghost stories. Or the camping trips I wasn’t included in because I might embarrass my dad in front of his friends. I have a million stories like that. What I don’t have is sweet messages to listen to from people who loved me and wanted only the best for me. I’m not one of the special ones, Colby. I’m…broken.”

I punched the water and rounded on him. “Fuck that!”

“Hey, I know it sucks, but—”

“No, it doesn’t just suck…it’s wrong. Don’t put yourself down or tell me I shouldn’t trust you. Your parents are the ones who are wrong. They’re the broken ones. And they’re evil fucking cowards for pushing you away and making you doubt yourself. Fuck, it pisses me off.”

“I can see that,” he said softly.

“If someone has the guts to come out, they deserve respect for sharing something that is no one’s fucking business.”

“Calm down, Colby. The neighbors can hear you.”

“Fuck them too.” I waved dismissively, then pointed at his chest. “I want you to start over now. Really start over. Day one. Cut out that toxic bullshit. Come out to me now.”

He furrowed his brow in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“Say the words. Tell me who you are.”

“I’m gay,” he deadpanned. “Is that what you—”

I took his face in my hands and kissed him hard. When I was sure we were both breathless, I pulled back and rubbed my nose against his.

“Good. I’m glad you’re gay. I’m glad you exist. And I’m proud of you for walking away from them. It takes a lot of strength to start over. So, I don’t see broken. I see someone who fell down and got up, over and over again. I see someone with big balls and a big heart. I’m glad I know you, and I’m so fucking glad you’re mine.”

“Yours,” he repeated in a kind of daze.

“Yeah, and don’t tell me you’re not, ’cause you are. I don’t care if no one else knows. We know.”

“Wow. Where have you been all my life?” He regarded me for a long moment, then laid his head on my shoulder. “God, you feel so fucking real…and safe.”

I held him close and kissed his temple. “I am safe. I’m your safe place. You can tell me anything, and you can be anything you want with me. If you want to dance around the yard naked, go for it. If you want me to buy you a Barbie, I’ll do it.”

Sky bit my bottom lip and snickered. “I don’t want a Barbie, but thanks.”