Out on the Ice (Out in College 5)

“Kendra, Schultz. He was taunting me on the ice. He wanted me to lose my shit. And I did. I gave him everything he wanted. I proved I can score, but I crumble under pressure. No doubt he’s telling the whole fucking team I’m gay, and you’re my boyfriend and yeah, I should be back there…defending you and defending myself and calling him out for being a rotten fucking human, but—”

“But what?” he prodded, unbuckling his seat belt and setting his hand on mine.

I looked at him across the darkened car and damn, he crushed me. I expected him to panic along with me, tell me I’d ruined his life, and his shot at making it to the big leagues. But he seemed more worried about me than himself. He obviously didn’t get the severity of the situation.

“I couldn’t out you too,” I replied.

“Oh. Right.”

“So, we have to figure out a story. This isn’t sustainable. I’m going crazy. I can’t go inside. Elliot will want to know what’s going on. I can’t go back to the rink. I need a story. I need us to be on the same page, so I don’t mess up your life or—”

“Don’t worry about me. Tell me what you want to do,” he intercepted calmly.

“Me? I’d like a one-way ticket to Mexico right now. That’s what I want,” I snarked, pushing my hand through my hair. “After that…I don’t know. I didn’t think I’d have to come out. I thought we could do this and keep quiet and if it got intense, we’d part ways…no harm, no foul. But coming out…I don’t know if I’m ready.”

“I understand,” Sky whispered.

“So, let’s think of something believable.” I unbuckled my seat belt and twisted sideways. “I look guilty as fuck for walking out of there tonight. I’ll say my mom was in the stands and she made me go to the ER to get checked and—”

“Was she there? I didn’t see her.”

“Thankfully, no. She’s visiting my aunt in Tucson. She’ll have questions too. Whatever. I’ll deal with that later. We can say that we’re really good friends, which is true, but maybe you need a beard. I’ll say you’re dating some girl at Chilton or that you—”

“No.”

“Do you have a better idea? Speak up now ’cause my phone is lighting up and I need reasons for tonight. I need someone to tell me what to do. I need you to help me, Sky,” I pleaded, swiping at the fresh round of tears welling in my eyes. I didn’t get it. I’d never been a crier. This was a sure sign I was a man on the edge.

“Okay.” Sky brushed my cheeks tenderly and licked his lips. When he spoke again, his voice cracked. “I’ll let you go.”

“Huh?”

“Just deny it. Just pretend we never happened. It’s your word against theirs. If you don’t want them to know, then don’t tell them.”

“Right. That’s what I’m saying. So you’ll do the same thing. Just pretend you don’t know me. Okay. We can do that, but when will we see each other?” I asked, dragging my teeth over my bottom lip.

“We won’t. We can’t.”

“What…wait. Are you saying we’re over? Or are you saying you want to come out?”

“I don’t want you to come out if you aren’t ready, Colb. And I don’t want to stand in your way.”

I squinted in the dark. “I feel like you’re saying something else. If I come out, you’re out too. Would you be okay with that?”

Sky stared at me for a long moment, then inclined his head. “Yeah. I would be.”

“Oh.” I sat back. “I didn’t think you would be.”

“That’s because you’re not ready. And that’s okay. Look…I tried to force it once. But I won’t do it again. I’ll never ask you to do something you aren’t comfortable with.”

“Yeah, but we can still see each other, you know.”

Sky shook his head. “I don’t want to pretend anymore. I can’t be with you and act like you aren’t the only person who matters to me. It’s probably best if I just…fade away.”

I opened my mouth and closed it like a fish out of water when Sky got out of the car. I hopped out quickly and raced to the other side.

“You can’t leave me, and you don’t even have your car. Talk to me. There’s gotta be another way.”

“There is no other way. We can’t have it all. Maybe it’s not fair, but life isn’t fair. People love lies. They love to tell them, analyze them, pull them apart, and expose them. No one wants to hear the truth. It’s scary and it’s a little too human. And the truth is, I care too much about you to let anyone pull you apart or beat the shit out of you on the ice because of me.”