Starting from Zero (Starting from 1)

“Yeah. Charlie told me.” I paced to the other side of the window and crossed my arms. “He wasn’t telling secrets or anything. I just happened to see the wall of photos in Seb’s office and…I didn’t know they were your family. Like close family. Your husband, your son. You made it sound so…removed. But it’s not like that, is it?”

“Seb isn’t and never was my husband. We were lovers, partners, and—”

“Parents too.” I massaged the back of my neck. “Your parents knew. I saw that picture from Charlie’s graduation and—”

“We didn’t talk about it,” he repeated stubbornly. “It wasn’t…valid to them. Seb and I are both from strict religious backgrounds. We knew we had to keep quiet. Give them what they expected. Anything but the truth.”

“So you both married women.”

“We broke up after some big shakedown at the studio. Someone did a piece on the secret gay lives of actors and Hollywood elite. Seb was Assistant Producer on a big military biopic at the time. He was afraid to lose his job and his reputation. At the time, it seemed like the only solution. Unfortunately, it killed us as a couple. I moved out of the house when Char was eight. I met Mandy soon after, and we helped each other through a rough time. When she met her future wife, Seb and I tried again. But it was too late for us. We were better friends than lovers. We’d figured out how to co-parent along the way. Geez, Seb got married and had another kid. But ‘we,’ the me and him part…we haven’t been a couple in years.”

“He loves you.”

“I love him too, but as a friend only.” Gray grabbed my elbow and held my chin, as though I could look into his eyes and see that he was telling the truth.

I sucked in a deep breath and looked down. He was too close, and he had a way of consuming me that made me forget myself. No one had ever done that to me before. “That sounds heavy and complicated.”

“Justin. Baby, look at me.” He waited for me to comply before continuing. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, but honestly…I’m not used to sharing anything about myself. You’re the first person I’ve let inside in a while. Maybe Seb saw that and felt threatened by it somehow. It doesn’t sound like him, but I’ll talk to him about the contract and—”

“No. I told you…I don’t want that. I don’t want his help or your help. I have to do this myself. No shortcuts. No special treatment.” I gave him a weak smile and stepped away. “Thank you.”

“Where are you going?”

“Home.”

“Stay. Sit down, baby, and—”

“Gray, I can’t.” I swiped at my eyes angrily and moved out of his reach. “I don’t belong here.”

“Of course you do.”

“I don’t. I never did.” I cradled my head and closed my eyes when my mind starting whirling. “My head is just spinning right now. Like a fucking merry-go-round that won’t stop. It makes me feel shifty sometimes. I can’t sit still. I can’t concentrate. And when things go sideways, I go sideways too.”

“What do you mean?” Gray reached for my elbow and tried to pull me into his arms.

I batted him away and paced to the window like a caged lion. “I am overwhelmed by the things I don’t say. I thought music was my way of telling my truth. But I’ve lost myself. I’ve lost my truth.”

“What truth?”

“Not just one truth. It’s lots of little truths that add up. I’m bi, I’m ADHD, I’m a lousy communicator guilty of making bad decisions, I’m a—”

“Stop it.”

I swallowed hard and widened my eyes against the sheen of tears. “I’m messed up, Gray. Sure, I’m bummed about the contract. I barrel into everything without thinking twice. I had no right to act on behalf of my band like I knew what was best for Zero, when in fact, I don’t know shit. I’m angry with myself for not listening to my friends. This is my fault. Not Seb’s. Not Charlie’s. I was blinded by what I wanted. But the worst part is…I’ve been lying about what I really wanted.”

“What do you want?”

“Something I can’t have.” I shook my head and glanced out the window again. “I saw those photos in Seb’s office, and I was fucking jealous of a life I have no right to know anything about.” I gave a humorless half laugh. “Because it didn’t include me. So I raced over here, telling myself I was pissed at you for lying to me and having a friend who still loves you who’s not giving me what I want and wow…how fucking awful is that?”

“It’s not awful. It’s—”

“It’s wrong. I have no right to that anger, Gray. You deserve better. I can’t ask for what you can’t give. I can’t expect you to validate me or read my mind. It’s petty and mean-spirited. It’s unkind…and dishonest. And I just realized I have to let it all go. I gotta peel it back, start over, and be one hundred percent honest.”