Starting from Zero (Starting from 1)

She smiled. “Break a leg. Did you really drive from LA in the middle of the night to tell me about a band?”

“No. I had a bad day and I wanted to come home.”

“What happened?” she asked.

“Just…life. I had dinner at Rory’s last night. He’s doing really well, by the way. He still works at the Y.”

She glanced out the window and sighed. “I know.”

I decided her wistful tone was a green light to keep going, so I did. “He tutors too. That’s actually how he met his boyfriend. Christian’s a great guy. You’d like him. He’s a quarterback at Chilton.”

“I heard about that mess. His poor parents.”

The pancakes in my mouth turned to sawdust. I gulped my coffee to wash it down as I pushed my chair noisily across the linoleum floor. I set the plate and cup on the counter and warned myself not to lose my shit in one go.

“His ‘poor parents’ are missing out. Kinda like you are. But hey…” I put my hands up like a traffic cop. “We don’t talk about that stuff, do we?”

She shot an angry parental look at me. The kind I associated with getting my butt swatted or being grounded when I was a kid. She pushed her mug aside and stood slowly.

“No, we don’t. I don’t appreciate you stirring up trouble for no reason. If you came to borrow money, tell me what you need. I’ll leave a check for you, but you can’t cash it until tomorrow.”

I raked my hand through my hair and let out a frustrated growl. “Jesus, I don’t need your money, Ma.”

“Don’t use the Lord’s name in vain. If you have something to say, be quick about it. I have to go to work. I’m not in a band. I have a real job and I have to be there on time,” she huffed, folding her arms over her chest.

“All right. Remember when Rory came out to you? We were sitting right here. He didn’t want to tell you ’cause you’d been on a holy kick for a while.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” she asked sharply.

“It’s like an exclusive club for saints and pious assho—people only. I told him not to worry. I’d be there and I’d come out too. You didn’t believe me, but you believed Rory. He had a boyfriend, and someone said they saw them holding hands or something.” I gasped theatrically. “Imagine that. You told him you didn’t want to see him again until he found Christ. Well, he found Christian. That’s a start.”

“That’s not funny.”

“No, I guess not. But you know what else isn’t funny? I’ve been sitting here in the neutral zone. I’ve been playing it safe, waiting for something to change. I love being in a band, but I’ve been playing the wrong instrument because playing the right one meant I’d have to stand up and make my voice heard. I stayed with the wrong woman a few months too long because admitting I was in a nowhere relationship meant I’d have to speak up and potentially hurt someone I cared about. So I waited and let her hurt me instead.”

My mother’s face softened. “Oh, Jus…I’m sorry. I—”

“No. I’m not done. See…my problem is I talk a lot, but I don’t talk about what matters. I save that for my songwriting and let real life issues pile up until it’s like a stack of bills so high, I know it’ll take a lifetime to pay ’em. Maybe twenty-six is too old to join a new band, but Ma…I need to be heard. I have things to say. Some of them are important. This is my chance. But I gotta start here.”

“Justin…”

“When I told you I was bi, I wasn’t kidding. I am bi. Just like Rory. You chose not to believe me because I had a girlfriend. That’s what you said, anyway. I think the truth is, you really didn’t want to know. You didn’t want to lose both of us, so you made a choice. And that choice sucks.” I paced the edge of the old wood table and back. “I didn’t bring up my own bi-ness again because I didn’t want to have this conversation. I didn’t want you to choose between me and your church. I told myself I didn’t want you to lose both of us. But you know…I think I was afraid you’d choose faith over me too. And it made me realize how stupid I’ve been. I feel like such an asshole. I let Rory take the fall on his own. I should have insisted you listen to me too.”

“I don’t know what you mean. He made his own choices, Justin.”

“So have you. So have I. You’re still working the same ol’ job you’ve hated for thirty years and living in the same crappy apartment in a sketchy part of town. And I’m still trying to put a band together. He’s happy, Mom. He’s good, kind, smart and…he’d forgive you in a heartbeat because Rory is the best man I know.”