The reality check was sobering. Charlie sold us on the idea of starting our own label, citing our ability to manage our story. We’d done a terrible job at it. Bungling stories to titillate our fans and pull them away with a “shiny coin” to mute the danger of an old, ugly story. It was hard to know what was real anymore. This was always supposed to be about the music. Somehow I’d made it about me.
We should have known Xena would pounce, and that we’d live that whole fucking drama all over again. But this time, we were a little bigger. This time, they’d bring our families into it.
Nope…I couldn’t sleep at all.
I slipped out of bed quietly and moved around the house like a ghost in the dark, sitting at the island, then lying on the sofa for a while. Eventually, I gave up, stuffed my feet into an old pair of Uggs, and made my way to the garage. Music always helped.
Mist covered the pathway and clung to the hedges separating my parents’ house from the property next door. I glanced up at the hazy light from the streetlamp illuminating the roof of Dec’s old house. I bypassed the garage to get a better look at it.
Memories hit me like a bolt out of the blue. I could see us…the way we used to be…carefree and happy. And I saw us the way we were tonight…scared and unsure.
We grew up. Nothing was easy anymore.
15
Declan
Waking up alone in Tegan’s old bed was disconcerting to say the least. I sat up slowly and rubbed sleep from my eyes as pieces of yesterday fell into place. Not a good day. I scratched my nuts as I headed for the bathroom before searching for my boyfriend. I found Tegan leaning against the counter in the kitchen, staring into space and cradling a cup of coffee.
“Mornin’.” I kissed his cheek and nuzzled his neck.
“Coffee?”
“Yes, please.” I skirted the island and sat at one of the barstools, watching the flex and tug of Tegan’s biceps.
“Here you go,” he said, sliding a mug in front of me. “How’d you sleep?”
“Great. You?”
“Not so good,” he admitted, looking out the window again.
“Is she okay this morning?” I asked softly.
“Yeah. She is. I talked to Maggie a few minutes ago. Whatever chemical cocktail Mom’s on has fucked up her iron. She fainted and fell. At this point, that’s all they think it was, but they’re doing tests all day. And as long as her numbers are good, they’ll release her tomorrow.”
I let out a relieved rush of air. “I’m so glad. Fuck, I was worried about her…and you.”
“Me? I’m fine.”
He seemed more tense than “fine,” but I let it go. “Good.”
“I checked the social media frenzy this morning. We’re headliners.”
I winced. “Zero and Jealousy?”
“You and me,” Tegan clarified.
I fiddled with the handle on my mug. “Hmm. We’ll figure out a statement and let Charlie handle the rest.”
Tegan pulled his top lip into his mouth and raked it with his teeth, then sighed. “Right.”
“It’s going to be yesterday’s news before lunchtime, T. We’re not exactly superstars.”
“Yet.”
He looked like hell…listless, tired, and edgy at the same time.
I furrowed my brow and set my hand over his. “Babe, are you okay?”
“Not really.”
“What’s bugging you?”
“All of it. Me and you. The band. My family. It’s a lot.”
“Yeah, I know. But you and I are good. Don’t worry about us. We’ll get through this. Our part is easy. We’ll tell them we’re together. Petra will apologize, Xena will look like an idiot…done deal. I’ll talk to the guys. I’ll take care of everything. You don’t have to worry. And your mom will be home later today or tomorrow at the latest. See? It’s gonna be okay.”
Tegan squeezed my hand. He stared at me for a long moment then letting out a ragged gush of air. “Right.”
“Talk to me, baby. What’s wrong?”
“I’ve been spinning over this for hours, wondering if there’s any way to have it all. Because that’s what I want. I want our bands to do well, I want my mom to be healthy, and I want…you. My head was on fire all night. I thought I could tire myself out on the drums. I never got there. I saw your old place and I just…I realized something kind of important.”
“What?” I prodded.
“You’re not supposed to be here. With me. You’re supposed to conquer the world. This place is your beginning, but it’s not where you’ll end up. And me? I’m always gonna be here, Dec.”
“In Long Beach? I don’t understand.”
“No, I mean…I can’t have everything I want.”
I licked my dry lips and prodded, “What do you want?”
“You.”
“I’m here.”
“But you’re not supposed to be. Listen to me. Your fans have no idea how fucking amazing you are, Dec. They’re just getting their first real glimpse of you now. It’s bigger than we thought it might be. And…I can’t compete with that.”