Or maybe she’d known very well that he could hear her. Had that been her way of subtly warning him not to hold Haley back?
Ron is a very good student and he’ll be an excellent doctor.
He supposed Haley had considered herself leaping to his defense, and had said the first words that popped into her head, but it hadn’t exactly been a ringing endorsement.
So, what had he wanted her to say? Brooding, he sank onto the couch, pushing at the holster belted around his waist. Had he wanted her to declare her devotion to him? Her undying admiration for him? Had he wanted her to refute Margo’s implication that he was too flippant about his studies and his training, that there was nothing he considered wor
th taking too seriously?
Maybe Haley hadn’t said those things because she didn’t quite believe them, herself. She had accused him in the past of having the wrong attitude, just because he’d admitted he was prepared to walk away if things didn’t work out for him. It wasn’t as if his life would be over if he didn’t become a physician, he’d argued. He had Plans B, C and D to fall back on—not that he knew what those were, exactly.
Haley had retorted that if he wasn’t committed to success at all costs, then he had the wrong attitude about completing this challenging, demanding career path.
Maybe he hadn’t been fully committed to medical school at the beginning, he admitted now. Even though he’d worked his butt off to get this far, there had always been a tiny doubt that he’d ever hold that diploma in his hand.
Had he ever fully committed to anything in his life? Had he ever gone into any new endeavor without keeping one eye on the always-present escape hatch?
Would Haley believe him if he told her that he hadn’t been looking for an escape from what he’d found with her? He wouldn’t hold her back when she was ready to move ahead of him, but he wasn’t in any hurry to take an alternate path, either.
She emerged from the bedroom dressed in a pink T-shirt and black yoga pants with a pink stripe down the side. She looked just as adorable as she had in her costume.
“Haley—”
She spoke at the same time, cutting off whatever he might have said in a clumsy attempt to express his feelings. “Do you want any coffee or anything?”
“No, thanks. Had plenty to eat and drink at the party. What I—”
“I forgot to tell you—” Realizing she’d stumbled over his words again, she stopped with a grimace. “You go ahead.”
“No. What were you saying?”
“Just that I forgot to tell you I’ll be out of town this weekend. I’m going home to Russellville for a couple days to see my parents. I figure I’d better see them before we start the surgery rotation, because there won’t be much time while we’re on that block. I won’t get to see them again until Thanksgiving.”
He waited for a moment, but the invitation he half expected didn’t materialize. He wasn’t sure if he was relieved or disappointed. He supposed they hadn’t reached the spend-time-with-the-parents stage. He knew he certainly wasn’t ready to inflict his family on Haley yet, though for totally different reasons.
“You, um, have told your parents that you and I are more than study buddies now, haven’t you?” he asked, surveying her face closely.
Her eyes met his then skidded away. “Not exactly. I really don’t discuss my sex life with my parents.”
Sex life. He didn’t really like that phrase. Sure, he and Haley were lovers, but it was somewhat more than that. Right?
Maybe he needed to remind himself why there was little chance he and Haley were meant to be together forever.
“Don’t think I’ll be seeing my family anytime soon,” he said casually. “They’re all pretty scattered.”
She sank into the armchair, studying him curiously. “You’ll go home for the holidays, won’t you? Thanksgiving or Christmas?”
“Probably not Thanksgiving. Maybe a day or two during Christmas break.”
He had spent last Thanksgiving watching football and studying alone in his apartment. Because none of his siblings had gone home for the holiday, he’d claimed a need to study to avoid doing so, himself. Cowardice, maybe, but he hadn’t wanted to subject himself to his father’s distance and his mother’s criticism at that time.
Last year had been so very difficult. He’d been overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the material he’d been expected to memorize, by the number and frequency of the tests on that material, not to mention the clinical lessons and preparations for the looming Step 1 of the licensure exam. He just couldn’t face his parents and their open skepticism that he’d ever make it all the way through to obtaining his M.D. He’d had too many doubts, himself, at the time. Had it not been for his friends, he might well have given up.
By not telling his study friends he had no other plans for Thanksgiving last year, he hadn’t had to deal with invitations to spend the holidays with their families, which always made him feel awkward and out of place. He would be just as content to spend the upcoming holiday quietly on his own, for that matter. He’d gone home to northeastern Arkansas both of the past two Christmases, but hadn’t particularly enjoyed the visits and had come back to Little Rock after only a few hours with his difficult family.
Haley looked as disapproving as he’d expected. “You should at least spend a little time during the holidays with your family if you want to mend fences with them.”
After some of the things she’d already seen on the wards, he’d think she’d be a little less rosy-eyed about families. He supposed the more time she spent with some of the more questionable elements of society, the more cynical she would become. A shame, really, but probably necessary if she was going to succeed in her chosen field.