“You’re going to leave now?” She threw her hands up into the air. Fine, so there was a fire. But wasn’t that Cal Fire’s job? “Are you serious?”
Right after I told you I loved you?
She wanted to hit him.
“Dee, I’m on duty. The fire is already thirty acres and growing. The wind is blowing and the air is hot. It’s prime fire weather.” He strode toward her, grabbed her by the shoulders, and gave her a little shake. “I’m sorry, okay? I’m an asshole for avoiding you.”
“You totally were.”
The faint smile curling his lips told her he appreciated her honesty. At least someone did. “I’m an asshole for leaving you right now too.”
“I won’t argue with you on that point.”
“It sounds like an excuse, but I really was busy. But I was also . . . freaking out.” He winced.
She stared up at him, startled by his admission. “What were you freaking out over?”
He didn’t answer her question. “I’ve missed you.” Leaning in, he rested his forehead against hers. “A lot.”
Oh, God. All he had to do was say a few kind words, and she wanted to melt. She should resist, the thing she needed to do right at this very moment was resist, but he made it so difficult. “I missed you too.” More too-revealing words were on the tip of her tongue, and she pressed her lips together, knowing now was not the right time to continue confessing her true feelings.
Though he’d stomped all over her heart by not admitting that he cared about her too. She didn’t even need to hear the love word back. She just needed him to know it. She needed him to hear it.
Maybe he didn’t hear that word enough.
“I gotta go.” He shifted away from her and she felt the loss. Felt the wide-open split of her heart that was just dying to be filled with anything and everything that had to do with Lane. But he still kept up those walls. Used those same old excuses.
She was growing weary, dealing with it—with him—all the time. But he was busy. He had a job to do. And she didn’t want to freak him out further. He was already running scared. Admitting how she felt about him when he wasn’t ready to hear it might send him packing for good.
The dread that filled her over revealing her exact feelings couldn’t be stopped. She couldn’t take those words back either. Not that he had even acknowledged them.
A sharp pain pierced her chest and she took a deep breath. “Lane, I don’t kn—”
“Listen. I don’t want to leave you like this, but I—” He shook his head once before he slipped his hand beneath her chin and tilted her face up. “I have to go.”
She nodded, though she wanted to beg him to stay. And begging so wasn’t her thing. This is what he’d reduced her to—a beggar. “Of course you do.”
Her cool tone did not go unnoticed. He watched her carefully. “It’s like this a lot with me. Having to leave all the time. The job comes first.”
Oh, that just infuriated her. “I hope you and your job have a wonderful life then,” she practically spit out. “I’m sure you and your job will have a lovely marriage. I can only imagine how fulfilled you’ll be when you go to bed alone every single night for the rest of your life. Lonely and sad but always with that beloved job.”
He flinched, taking a step back. “What the hell’s got you so mad?”
“You!” The word shot out of her lips like a bu
llet. And she wouldn’t doubt she’d made a direct hit, what with the wounded look on Lane’s face. “You make me insane. And I don’t mean that in a nice way. More like a cruel-and-unusual-punishment-type way. You play tug-of-war with my heart constantly. You screw with my head, you mess with my emotions, and I can’t take it. You want me, you don’t want me. You kiss me, you fuck me, and then you shove me away like I have a disease.” She hesitated, unsure if she should say it or not. Screw it. “I don’t know if I can keep going on like this.”
“Are you saying this is it? That we’re through?” Why in the world did he sound almost . . . hopeful? She should hate him forever for this.
But she couldn’t. And there was more there than met the eye. “Would that actually make you happy?”
“No,” Lane finally said. He took too long to answer, yet only a few seconds had passed. That there was still a slight hesitation on his part proved he wasn’t ready. For her. For a relationship.
Maybe he’d never be ready.
She was beyond ready. She wanted more. She wanted Lane. But she was done chasing. Done looking like a fool. “I think it might.”
“If you really stand by that statement, you don’t know anything about me,” he said, sounding hurt.