“Is this the body of an elderly gent?” he challenged playfully.
“No, certainly it isn’t,” she assured him.
“Even my dad has—” He stopped, shaking his head. “He had. Shit. I forgot for a few minutes there.” Jack rubbed a hand across his eyes as if to clear his vision after a long sleep.
Britt went to him and hugged him, tears welling in her eyes with sympathy for him. How dreadful it must be to lose track of your grief for the space of a few minutes only to have the recollection of such a terrible loss crash in on you like a fresh tragedy! She imagined he must feel guilty, ashamed of being so happy that he was able to forget for a moment as if he had relaxed his vigil, had dishonored his father’s memory by not keeping watch in his bereavement and thinking on it without ceasing. She kissed his cheek and held onto him all the more tightly.
“Don’t feel bad about this. He wanted you to be happy, Jack. He wouldn’t want you to beat yourself up if you were able to focus on something else just for a minute.”
“I know. But it feels like a betrayal, like I’m forgetting, like I’m letting him go.”
“You won’t ever forget, but you have to let go a little bit at a time. All you’re doing is torturing yourself otherwise. Don’t let go of the memory and how important he’ll always be to you, I don’t mean that. What I mean is, let yourself live your life without feeling bad for doing that.”
“So you are wise in the ways of the heart as well as fantastic in bed,” he said.
“Yes. It’s not conceit if it’s true, I’ve been told by an expert,” she said with a gentle laugh. “I love you and I will help you.”
“Thank you. I needed to hear that.”
“I’m here. Anything you need,” she said, nestling her head against his shoulder and standing there, letting him hold her until he felt equal to standing on his own.
“I knew he was sick. I knew he was supposed to slow down but I just took for granted that he’d get better like he always did. He was this larger than life figure and I thought he was invincible, I guess. I just—I know I’ve told you all this before, I just keep going over it in my head, wondering, like, how did his death throw me for such a loop when I must’ve realized he was eventually going to and that he had these health problems and...why was it such a shock?”
“Because you knew it intellectually, like we all do about being mortal and how it could happen any time, we could just step off the curb at the wrong instant and boom. Game over. But we can’t live life worrying about that so we sort of put that out of our minds and assume that we have tomorrow guaranteed when we really never have that promise. We have to believe everything will be okay just to function at all and then when it isn’t okay, when something tragic happens, we’re just left reeling by it. I get it. I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now but you should never ever blame yourself for not being prepared. I mean, what does that even mean? Like we’re supposed to be ready all the time to lose someone we love?” she said, sniffing and wiping at her tears. “I know, I know I’ll never be ready to lose you!”
“You never will. You have me. We also get the best thing of all, which is whatever time we have, we can spend it together.”
Britt burrowed in his arms as he held her, a tear running down her face. When she finally calmed down, wiping her puffy eyes, she shook her head.
“How come you wound up comforting me? I was supposed to be supporting you,” she said.
“Because that’s how we work, kid. We’re here for each other. Are you ready to agree to the roof garden yet? It is my birthday.”
“Yes,” she said. “I don’t want to waste another minute. I want to move in together when we get back home.”
“Really?”
“Really,” she said decisively.
Jack gave a whoop and spun her around joyously.
“First, lingerie shopping. Then tomorrow we’ll fly home and shop for a place together. Deal?”
“Deal,” she said. “Although how come it’s your birthday and I seem to get all the presents?”
“Because that’s how I like it. I have everything I need. I like to spoil you a little when you’ll let me,” he said, kissing her soundly on the lips for emphasis.
“Hold me,” she said.
“I’m never going to let you go.”
Suddenly she wasn’t hungry any more than he was sleepy. It was just imperative that they be in one another’s arms right then, after such an emotional moment together. Together, they walked hand-in-hand to the bed and lay down face to face and held each other. Britt stroked his face, memorizing the line of his jaw, the intensity of his gaze, awed by the fact that he was looking at her that way. He kissed her forehead and pulled her into his chest and held her. After a while, she felt her breathing sync up with his as she listened to the steady thrum of his heartbeat. Feeling completely enmeshed with him, she drifted off to sleep for that proper siesta he’d spoken of earlier.
When they woke up, almost at the same moment, Jack kissed her.
“Now let’s go get my birthday present. I want to pick out something with yo
u and then unwrap you,” he said excitedly.