The tech gave me a comforting squeeze. “It’s incredibly difficult to understand what you’re looking at when the fetus is still so small. Don’t worry. Everything looks normal. In nine months, you’ll both have a beautiful baby.” She pushed her chair back and flipped off the screen, handing me a towel. “Give me a minute to get you a picture.”
I glanced up in a daze, still wiping off the cool gel. “I’m sorry—what?”
“A sonogram. We can print you out what we just saw if you’d like to take it home.”
“Uh, yeah. That would be wonderful. Thank you.”
The doctor came in and did a quick look at everything. Dr. Collins said everything looked good. She gave me a small smile and started pressing some buttons as the printer whirled in the background. “So we’re going to want to s
ee you every month to make sure everything’s progressing as it should. Do you have any questions?”
Two more tears ventured out, but I quickly wiped them away. “I have millions of them. But right now, I can’t think. I need some time to process this. Thanks, though.”
She turned to Marcus. “Would you mind if I talked to Rebecca alone?”
“Sure, Dr. Collins. I’ll be in the waiting room.” He left.
“Is everything okay?” she asked. “I thought maybe you might like to ask some questions without your boyfriend around.”
We talked for a few minutes and she reassured me that everything looked great. My baby was healthy. The tech came in and went to grab the photograph.
Wow. I was a new mother.
The word hit me like a blow to the stomach and I half-doubled over, grabbing the edge of my chair for support. Would I make a good mom? I didn’t know anything about babies. I wasn’t even in a long-term, committed relationship. What if I’m a single mom? Marcus said he’d stick around, but that didn’t mean he would. My own dad took off after Max and I were born. What if Marcus repeated history and I was left to raise this child on my own like my mother had to raise me? I couldn’t even pay my rent. How could I do this? I wanted to give my baby everything, but could I? I had all the thoughts a new mother would think roll across my mind. I was having a panic attack. I couldn’t breathe. The room was closing in on me.
Mother. Mother to an infant. Possibly a son or a daughter.
New words started creeping into my vocabulary at an alarming rate and I closed my eyes, breathing in through my mouth and out through my nose—a technique my mother always had me do when I was stressed about school or feeling faint.
That’s right—my mother. Because I was still a child myself. I couldn’t exactly go about having one. At that moment, the tech dropped the photograph into my hand. I gazed at it lovingly, tilting it first one way, then another. My gosh! That’s my baby!
“Everything looks fine.” The technician smiled. “Both you and the baby are progressing exactly how you should.”
I nodded. “I’m so pleased to hear that.” But I can’t breathe!
Another nurse or technician peeked her head in. She leaned her head over and tried to coax a smile. “There’s a handsome man in the waiting room asking about you.”
“Yeah…he’s with me.” My voice was small and cracked, fraying around the edges no matter how hard I tried to keep from unraveling.
“Boyfriend?” she guessed conversationally, handing me a brochure.
“Fiancé, actually.” And if she knew how fucked up the whole thing was, she’d stop asking questions.
Her face brightened. “Oh, that’s wonderful! When’s the big day?”
“We’re still working out all the details.”
“Okay, looks like we’re done here,” the first technician said.
“Thank you for everything.”
I anxiously left, bumping into the trashcan as I stumbled blindly toward the door. The second I was out in the hall, I leaned back against it, trying to catch my breath, only to fall back inside as she opened it again herself. Blushing like a fire engine, I mumbled another dozen apologies and took off down the hall like a scared rabbit.
I barely noticed Marcus as he bolted to his feet the second he saw me. He’d taken up position right next to the huge “calming” fish tank—a tactical vantage point from which he could see both the registration counter and the door. I hardly noticed when a random nurse called out my name—I was too busy making a beeline for the outside. It wasn’t until a security guard actually caught me by the arm that I looked up in surprise.
“Um, miss?” the man said kindly. “I think they’re trying to get your attention.”
He spun me gently back around, and I saw both Marcus, the tech, and two nurses standing wide-eyed by the counter. The double entrance doors opened behind me, and the accompanying breeze that swept inside made me shiver.