A very slow smile spread across his face, leaving me at a loss. “Claire, I want you.”
“You have me.” I held his hand to my face. “I’m here.”
“And I know I should be happy with that. I’m selfish, remember? I want more.”
“What does more mean?” My chest felt heavy.
“I want you to be mine. Not just here, when we’re alone. But in front of everyone.” He was serious.
“It’s not just me, you know.”
“Your children are wonderful. I like them very much.”
“But your career. Your family. How is your making a statement about us being involved a good thing? I mean, I’m older than you. I have some baggage…okay, lots of baggage. I’m kind of a PR nightmare for your image.”
Josh tried not to, but he laughed anyway. “You’re worried about my image?”
I took a deep breath. “A bit, yes.”
“You’re worried about press, my image, and my family’s opinion. But not about us—you and me?”
I stared at him, trying to find the right words. “When I’m with you, it seems clear. Everything feels right and good.” He kissed me quickly, holding me tight. “But then the rest of the world enters the picture and nothing about this makes any sense. I think issuing a statement will only tip the scales in favor of us not making sense.”
He tilted my chin up so that I was meeting his eyes again. “I love you. There hasn’t been an hour in every day since we’ve met when you haven’t been in my head and in my heart. I know without a doubt that what I want, my future, is right here.” His hands tightened around mine, his brow furrowing. “I understand that until you know what you want, we should be more careful in front of the children. It’s difficult because I already feel…connected to them, too.” His eyes were searching again, intense and anxious.
My heart raced. I tried to make sense of the whirlwind of emotions and words spinning through my head. What he was saying was more than I’d ever thought to hear. And yet I held back. I felt like I had to.
“Josh, most people can’t declare their feelings after such a short time with the absolute certainty with which you do.” My hand squeezed his. I wanted to tell him how I felt, but I was scared. How could my loving him be a good thing for him? “I’m here, with you, with my children.”
His arm came around me, holding me close to him, his eyes not quite peaceful. I was shaking in his arms, I wasn’t sure why. I knew what he wanted me to say, knew that I wanted to say it. But I was too scared to tell him how I really felt. As hard as I tried, I couldn’t help worrying that I was bad for him.
Chapter Eleven
“So what are we going to do now?” Natalie looked at me as our breakfast was placed on the table.
They’d taken the news of Shannon and Arthur’s midnight departure in stride. After all, it’s hard to argue with such a romantic gesture. And Arthur had felt extremely romantic, whisking Shannon off to a castle in Scotland, just the two of them. I was impressed. I think Shannon was too.
Will grumbled about Arthur deserting him on their dragon quest but was appeased by the arrival of the clotted cream and scones.
“I have some ideas,” I said.
Voices began at once, each one louder and faster than the other. I smiled and Mom shook her head. She spoke loudly, quieting the kids, “I’d like to go see Maureen. She’s desperate for us to come. And she so wants to meet the kids. If it’s okay with you, I’d like to take them with me to Brighton.”
“Really?”
“Yes, really.” She smiled back at me.
“Why is that so hard to believe, Mom? I mean, look at Will. He’s awesome. Everyone wants to meet that.” Natalie leveled a long-suffering stare at her little brother. Will had constructed a wall from the creamer cups and was now arranging the sugar cubes across the top. He had a thick mustache of clotted cream, milk, and jam.
“Will, don’t play with the food, dear.” My mother started putting the sugar back, unfazed.
“Maybe we’re comic relief, Mom.” Natalie eyed Will as he shoved several sugar cubes into his mouth. “Will, if you throw up, it’s your own fault.”
Will shot her an offended look, then swallowed forcefully.
“No more sugar, Will,” I said.
“Claire, we’ll have a nice visit. Besides, I’m sure you’d like some time with Josh. Nat mentioned something about his family cottage in Stratford? Go and explore together.” My mother waited for my nod before she patted my hand and gushed, “I’m so excited. I’ll go give Maureen a call now.” She left the table in search of her phone book.