“I don’t belong there, Chel.”
“If I’m there, then you belong there, because you belong with me!” she said, lifting her stubborn chin. We were under a streetlight and her blue eyes were bright with fury and unshed tears. It was tearing at me like razor blades to let her down, to let her go like this.
“I’m not doing it anymore. Pretending like I fit in. You have a different kind of life. And that’s fine. That’s what you deserve, and it’s going to be great. You’re going to be amazing. But I’m not going to be part of it.”
“What? No!” she said, stomping her foot.
The pretty little blonde princess had some serious fire in her, and she wasn’t letting me go without a fight.
“You’re going to Columbia.”
“I’m not. I’m going to Overton Community for two years and then a state school. Unless you’re a freakin’ Kennedy, no one cares where your degree came from anyway.”
“It’s a first class education, and you’ve earned it. You deserve that.”
“You are as obsessed with it as my dad, I swear. You two have a lot in common. Like you both want to tell me what’s best for me. I never thought I’d hear this from you. You know me. You know me,” she insisted.
She stood on her tiptoes and grabbed my face in her hands, “I love you, you stubborn asshole. And you love me back. Don’t pretend you don’t.”
Chel had put her hands in my long hair, threaded her fingers through it the way I loved, and she had kissed me. Pressed her lips to mine, sucked my bottom lip, nipped at my top lip, tried to get me to open my mouth and let her in. My hands were fists at my side, probably white knuckled from the agony of having to resist her, to step back from her. I had kept my mouth pressed shut in a tight line, impervious to her passionate kiss, to her pleading.
“Don’t,” I said, “you’ll just be embarrassed later.”
How was I making my voice so cold when I wanted to fall to my knees, let loose the tears that were searing my throat and sob out the truth? That I loved her so much I was willing to tear my heart out to let her go. To give her the life she deserved, the life I could never give her. I had to clear my throat then. She had staggered back like I had backhanded her across the face. She was reeling.
“What do you mean I’ll be embarrassed later?”
She was hurt, but she was squaring up for a fight again. God, she was scrappy and tough, and I loved her so much.
“Because you’re practically begging. I know you don’t wanna hear it any more than I want to say it,” I had said, big ragged breath in and then I ripped off the band aid or threw myself on the land mine, however you want to look at it.
“Say what?” she said, chin jutting out, daring me to break the heart she’d given to me so freely.
“That this is over. There’s no point pretending any more.”
“Why would it be over? You only date high school girls?” She gave a harsh laugh, but her eyes were scared that this wasn’t a joke.
“No. I don’t waste time with girls when it’s time to move on.”
“Is this about college?” she had demanded, so sharp, too clever for me.
“No,” I lied again, “It’s about the fact that—God, Chel, are you gonna make me say it?” I had broken off, raked a hand through my hair.
“Yeah. You have to say it. If you’re going to pull this bullshit drama on me, go ahead and drop your bomb. Something’s been off all day. Did you cheat on me? Did you—is she pregnant?” she had said in a smaller voice, trying so hard to act big.
“Jesus, Chel--” I had burst out, insulted that she’d ever think that of me for one second. I hadn’t looked at another girl for four goddamn years. I was irate at the suggestion that I’d cheated. It was all I could do not to react in a big way. To tell her loud and proud that she was the only one for me, that I’d rather cut my throat than touch another woman.
“So you’re done with me, but you get mad if I think you cheated? That makes no sense, Drew! Tell me what’s going on for real.”
“I’m done. That kind of accusation just proves that you don’t know me. I never cheated on you, not even when I knew it was over, and I didn’t want to be with you any more. I waited to tell you because I know how important finals were to you, and your GPA and all that crap.” I said, trying to sound careless. “If you got upset, you’d be too distracted to study. So I was considerate and waited for a better time. And instead of thanking me, you act suspicious. When it’s as simple as I said it is. I’m done with you.”