“I’m sorry,” he said. “I shouldn’t have said that. I’ll watch myself.”
“It’s okay,” I said, when he took his hand away.
“No, it’s not okay at all. That’s part of the reason I asked you to come here. To talk about what happened between us.”
“What’s the rest of the reason you asked me?” I inquired, wanting very much to know if he had wanted to see me or if this was him doing some kind of twelve-step program where he had to make amends.
“I missed you. I wanted to see you and talk to you. But we do need to talk about what happened between us, how we ended things. It’s way past time to address it.”
I held up a hand. “No, it’s been a long time. This isn’t necessary,” I said. I felt defensive, like the last thing I wanted to do was what Nicole had told me I needed to. I didn’t think I could stand to hear him list all the reasons he hadn’t wanted to be with me so I would be perfectly clear on how undesirable I was to him.
“It’s necessary. Please, Chel. Hear me out,” he said.
I nodded and took a drink.
“I screwed up,” he said. “You were about to graduate. You were going off to school soon. You were so smart, and you were always destined for great things, you know? And I knew you were going to college and you were going to meet better people than me, somebody who wasn’t a grease monkey with dirty fingernails and no future. So instead of waiting around for you to find someone else and have to let me down easy—and especially instead of you deciding to stick around and go to community college to be near me when you deserved better—I lied to you. I stopped the car and we got out because if we stayed in the car another second I would’ve started kissing you. I would’ve begged you to let me make love to you again. I was shaking all over. It made me sick to lie to you, but I had to let you go. Let you have a chance at a better life and be free.”
I felt my face get hot, and tears stung my eyes. I was so furious I could feel the edges of my vision going dark. I wanted to slap him as hard as I could.
“If you think that is supposed to make me feel better about what happened, you’re wrong. You should’ve let this go, Drew,” I said. I grabbed my purse and left.
Anger flowed through me. I stomped out of the bar and onto the sidewalk. He had ruined everything and I was supposed to feel sorry for him because he thought he was protecting me? That was bullshit of the first order.
12
Drew
I threw money on the table and followed her out. I knew the truth wouldn’t make her happy, but she deserved to know, and I wanted to make sure she was all right. It was a shitty thing to do, and I wanted a chance to apologize to her also. I felt hot all over, gripped by the urge to chase her down, grab her, demand that she listen to me and hear me out. I tried to restrain that impulse. I caught up to her on the sidewalk.
“Please stop. Stop,” I said.
Michelle whirled on me, fury in her eyes.
“I’m sorry I lied to you. And that I waited so long to tell you the truth. I’m sure it’s frustrating—"
“Frustrating? Really?” she demanded, eyes flashing with fire. “Try enraging instead.”
“I don’t understand why you’re enraged,” I said to her.
“Oh really? Well, for one thing, you obviously didn’t think too highly of me if you thought I’d dump you for someone ‘better’,” she said, whipping out the air quotes to show her disgust. “But the main reason is that you didn’t have any right to make that decision for me!”
Michelle spun on her heel to walk away from me. I dodged around her, took her arm. I needed her to hear me, to hear how much it tore me up at the time and how I know it was the wrong choice, “I’m sorry. You’re right. I was stupid and scared, and I shouldn’t have lied to you and taken away your choices. I thought I was making this grand sacrifice, letting you go. But you’re wrong about me not thinking highly of you. I thought the world of you, Chel. I always have.”
Her blue eyes lifted to meet mine, and I felt like I was falling into them, into some galaxy I couldn’t explain. I slid my hand down her arm and took her hand in mine. She laced her fingers through mine and held on, her gaze never wavering.
“I loved you. And you threw that away. You threw me away. When you were the only person who ever saw me for who I was and loved me for it—or at least I thought you did. But you took that from me, and made me question that trust, and if I could even trust myself and my own judgment. Like, maybe you never really cared about me at all.”