If I missed him like crazy, maybe that part would go away eventually. I couldn’t tell him the truth knowing he didn’t want a family, didn’t want one now or ever. So I sat at Trixie’s during Ashton’s nap and we sipped iced tea on her porch swing and I told her how miserable I was.
“You know it’s going to be impossible,” Trixie said, not unkindly.
“Raising a baby in this town right under his nose and him not figuring out it’s his? Yeah. I don’t know how to do it. I guess I could—look for a different place to live, move away.”
“You don’t want to. Plus, you couldn’t raise your kid with mine and Nicole’s that way. Don’t think about chickening out and leaving your job and your friends to hide out. That’s no way to live. You’ve got to tell him you’re pregnant.”
“I don’t want him to feel obligated to be involved, Trixie. He would. He’d feel like he should marry me and give the baby his name and everything. His parents liked me, and he said his mom wants me to come to dinner, I mean before I dumped him he had said that at the diner when we were with Greg.”
“Do you really think a guy who doesn’t want to be with you long term would be inviting you hang out with his family?”
“I think he’s friendly, we’ve known each other a long time, and we weren’t sneaking around or anything. I think he invited me to dinner at his parents’ because he thought it was the right thing to do. That’s the thing with Drew. He wants to do the right thing all the time. It’s why he broke up with me before I went to college. He was looking out for what he thought was best for me even if it hurt him. And if he knew I was pregnant with his child, he’d do the ultimate right thing and marry me. Even though it was a huge sacrifice and not what made him happy. I couldn’t look him in the eye knowing I trapped him into this. I don’t want that.”
“I’m pretty sure he won’t just feel obligated, sweetie. He has loved you all his life. I bet he’d be happy. Either way he needs to know the truth.”
“You’re not gonna be able to keep this secret long-term, and even if you could, you wouldn’t be comfortable about it. I know you,” Nic said. “I know it’s really hard. I speak from experience. But I wish I had told Noah up front on my own terms instead of letting him hear it from a doctor.”
“In your defense you were kind of disoriented at the time from the accident,” I said, “it’s not like you planned it that way.”
“We love you and we’re here for you no matter what,” Trixie said, “you know that. So whatever happens, you’re not alone.”
“Thank you. For everything.” I said. “I’ll think about telling him.”
28
Drew
The Fourth of July dawned hot and sunny. The Rockford Falls annual picnic and parade was usually one of my favorite days of the year. This time my heart just wasn’t in it. The day carried a lot of baggage for me, really. That was where Michelle and I had our first kiss. In recent years, the parade had been a source of pride for me and for my family because Casey’s Garage was one of the gold level sponsors. We always did a float, passed out those cardboard fans printed with our ad on them, and threw candy to the kids as we rolled by with the tow truck decked out in streamers and signs. My mom and dad always come and they love it when I make a good show for the business. Being part of this community and celebrating the nation’s independence together has always been important to my family, and even more so now that they can cheer for the float and be proud sponsors of the day.
Today I showered and shaved and made myself get ready despite the fact that it didn’t promise to be a fun day for me. It was about representing my business and my family in our town. It was the kind of responsibility I normally loved, but I found myself dreading it. Michelle was finished with me. So this could go one of two ways. I’d spend the whole day looking for her in the crowd and she wouldn’t show up, or she did show up and didn’t want anything to do with me. I didn’t want the cold nod in greeting, the sight of her again, moving through the world laughing and talking, out of my reach.
I’d managed to enjoy plenty of annual Fourth of July festivities without her over the years, I reminded myself. This one would be sadder for me, our separation more final somehow, but I’d get through it. I’d gotten through it once when I was younger, not as strong. I could do this. I literally gave myself a pep talk while I was shaving because the dread was that bad. I was not going to worry my mom or be a wet blanket on anyone else’s fun by moping around all day.