Joe’s face softened as he reached for my arm. “No, of course not.”
“Then what gives? Why be mad that I told Rick where to shove it?” In the distance, the crowd roared as a new act was introduced, matching the hum inside my brain.
“He’s very…fancy.” Sighing, Joe looked away, out at the people dancing near picnic blankets and beyond that at the ring of food tents.
“He is.” I couldn’t disagree with the assessment, and I kicked at the dirt, frustrated with the whole damn situation. “I was probably more than a little blinded by his glitz, initially.”
“But he was your type? Like that was what you were looking for? A Daddy Dom like him?” Stepping away from me, Joe paced farther into the group of trees.
“You’re jealous.” I didn’t bother phrasing it as a question.
“No.”
“Come on.” I gave a bitter laugh.
“I’m serious. It’s not exactly jealousy. Like I don’t want to be him. But that’s the thing. I can’t be him or be like him. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to compete with all his…trappings.”
“You can’t,” I snapped.
“Exactly,” Joe said before I could explain more. “I can’t. Which means this is a sort of revenge fuck for you? I could lay the guy out with a single punch and that’s the appeal for you? I can’t be your heavy, Levi."
“I know that.” Now I was more angry than frustrated. I stalked over to where he’d ended up. “All you can do is be you. Be Joe. And you are more than enough, but you keep refusing to see it.”
“Eventually, you’re going to get tired of a guy like me. You’re going to want fancy again. Or you’re going to want some muscle top who truly is okay with punching douchebags for you. I’m just not sure I can be what you need.”
I groaned because it didn’t matter how prettily I phrased my praise of Joe. He was refusing to see his own worth, and I was still all worked up about seeing Rick, and not in the most patient of moods.
“Eventually, I might want to try for a spot on a mission to Mars. Come on, Joe. Tell me how you really feel. Ask me to apply for that job.”
“What?” Joe’s befuddlement would be adorable if I weren’t so frustrated.
“You’ve been working up to saying something ever since Inez mentioned it earlier.”
It had been almost comical, watching the wheels turn in Joe’s head. I’d been curious as to how long it would take him to arrive at a way to slip it into conversation when we were alone. “But that might mean admitting feelings, which you’re not going to do because you’ve already decided what I do and do not need in my life.”
“Hey.” Joe pursed his mouth, his confusion giving way to what looked like irritation. “You don’t tell me your feelings either. You were worried about bills and told Inez, not me.”
“That’s different.” I made a dismissive gesture. “I didn’t want to worry you. I knew you’d offer to help, and I didn’t want that.”
“Well, okay then.” Joe recoiled like I’d slapped him. “So I’m supposed to lay everything out there while you get to pick and choose what you share. Got it.”
I kicked at the dirt because I wasn’t being the most reasonable, and I knew it. “That’s not my point.”
“Oh?” His hard stare made me shift my weight from foot to foot.
“I’m trying to say that you might be the right Dom for me, but you don’t want to see it.” Talking about Joe’s issues was so much easier than addressing mine. My tone was sharper than it needed to be, and I wasn’t surprised when Joe took another step back.
“If I was the right guy for you, then you would’ve told me if you were upset about something.”
I made a frustrated noise. “If you want to be the right guy, why does it feel like you’re always lurking near the door, ready to shove me in the direction of what you think I need and want?”
“I don’t know.” Joe scrubbed at his short hair. “I don’t like fighting.”
“Me either.” And I also really didn’t like doing it here, happy people all around us, the colorful sights and tasty smells a reminder of all the fun we were not having. I wasn’t sure how we’d gotten so far off-track. Fuck Rick. Fuck my own doubts and whatever was going on in Joe’s head too. “I think we both need time to think.”
“Okay,” Joe agreed when what I really wanted was for him to protest.
I wanted him to fight for us. He was so worried he wasn’t right for me that he was missing all the ways in which we were perfect together. And now I was the one walking away.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Joe
Well. That didn’t go like I’d planned.