Up in Smoke (Hotshots 4)

“Could have been. Damn fool risk this kid took. And he is a kid. Younger than you even.” Brandt tensed again, frustration clear from his tone.

“I’m not a kid,” Shane protested, digging into Brandt’s lower back a little harder than he probably needed to.

“No, that was a compliment.” Brandt sighed like he enjoyed the rougher touch and wiggled more into the mattress. “You’re more mature than I was at your age, that’s for damn sure. Anyway, Bronco fell from a tree. Avoided a concussion by the skin of his teeth. Broke his wrist and I’m not sure what else.”

“Damn.” Shane whistled low to try to cover the shudder that raced through him.

“Yeah. Fuck. Could have been me.”

“But it wasn’t.” He was going to cling to that fact, hold it close so he had any hope of sleep himself that night. Brandt was safe and in one piece and here, and that counted for a whole lot right then.

“Someday it might be.” Not letting Shane have his delusion of safety, Brandt had a far more pragmatic tone. “That’s the thing. None of us ever know when shit’s going to get real. Roger didn’t. Or any of the other buddies I’ve lost over the years.”

“That’s hard.” Shane wasn’t sure what else to say. Roger’s loss still ate at Brandt. That much was clear from the pain every time he mentioned his name, and nothing Shane could say was going to bring back Brandt’s friend or make the risks he faced any less.

“So fucking hard.” Brandt’s voice cracked, and Shane stopped rubbing to stroke his sides more gently. “I almost can’t think on it. Most of the time I don’t.”

“I get that. Some things are almost too much to let yourself dwell on.” Shane hadn’t suffered many real losses like Brandt, but he had his share of heartache, memories that hurt when he poked them.

“Yeah. And the thing is, I don’t even like this kid that much.” Sighing heavily, Brandt stretched like he needed Shane to keep the massage going. “Yet, here I am all torn up over him breaking a wrist.”

“You’re getting soft,” Shane teased as he returned to massaging Brandt’s strong shoulders and upper arms.

Brandt laughed exactly as Shane had intended, some of his tension draining away. “Fuck you.”

“Nothing wrong with letting yourself feel stuff.” Shane traced the curve of Brandt’s biceps with his thumb. He was such a fucking liar, giving advice he couldn’t take. “Emotions don’t have to be big and scary.”

“Says the guy who practically opens a vein every time you sing, even to the baby.”

“You think so?” Shane’s ego hummed at the compliment.

“Can’t wait to see you tomorrow with a band.” Brandt sounded sleepy again, but also warm. Almost sultry. “And yeah, all those feelings...the stuff I try not to think about, you manage to make it almost pretty when you sing.”

“Maybe that’s the trick. Take the stuff that hurts and do something with it.” Shane shifted against him. Brandt might think he was brave for being able to show emotion, but the reality was that sitting with his feelings made his whole body revolt. He needed that release of grabbing his guitar or doing something, anything. “And it’s not always singing. Sometimes I punch a pillow or do pushups until my arms wanna fall off.”

“I wondered how you kept in shape. Rage pushups?”

“Sometimes. Whatever works.” He punctuated his advice with digging his thumbs into a particularly tight knot under his neck. “But I can’t run from all emotions. Not sure I want to, honestly. Feelings suck, but then I write the perfect line...”

He couldn’t help his dreamy sigh. He’d had a great writing day when Jewel had napped. The song for Brandt’s friend was almost done, and he had the start of a few others going too. With any luck, even if he couldn’t guarantee his own singing success, he could sell one of these songs, get a little breathing room on his finances.

“Dude, you talk about songwriting like most of us do sex.” Brandt sounded more in awe than complaining.

“Hey, when it’s good, it’s good.” Shane softened his touch because Brandt was sounding sleepier and sleepier.

“This is good, too. Damn.” Brandt’s groan was low and lusty, and Shane had to shift away so that Brandt didn’t catch on to how turned on Shane was. The guy needed sleep more than he needed a horny Shane rubbing up on him. “Didn’t realize how much I needed this.”

“Good.” Shane swung off Brandt’s ass and pulled the covers up over him, smoothing them in place over Brandt’s back.

“Fuck.” Brandt’s voice was down to a rough, sleepy whisper. “Really want to return the favor, but I keep almost drifting off.”

“Do it. Let yourself sleep. It’s what you need now. You can owe me one later.” Shane continued to rub his back through the covers lightly, a grown-up version of how he’d put the baby to sleep earlier. “I’ll just sneak out if you start snoring.”