Up in Smoke (Hotshots 4)

And Shelby’s appearance was proof of that. His brain continued to stew over what her showing up meant the whole way home. The little Toyota she’d arrived with was still parked at Brandt’s, not that it made him breathe any easier, but at least that meant she hadn’t left with Jewel. Quietly, he let himself into the house through the side door. The living area light was out, but he could make out a shape on the couch.

“Hey. You made it back.” Brandt was already in the kitchen, near the window, like he’d been watching for Shane. He jerked his head in the direction of the hall. “We can talk in the sunroom.”

On their way down the hall, Shane peeked into Jewel’s room. She still looked so tiny in the crib. He might be all kinds of twisted-up over Brandt and his own future, but there wasn’t much Shane wouldn’t do for that baby.

“What’s Shelby doing on the couch?” Shane asked once they were in the sunroom and could speak a little more freely.

“I didn’t want to give her your room, all things considered.” Brandt sighed like a guy who’d had a very long day. Shane hated seeing him so exhausted and tugged him over to the small couch in the room so that they could both sit, thighs touching. “I offered to take the couch myself, but she didn’t want that. And she wasn’t interested in that bed in the baby’s room.”

“Guess that makes sense,” Shane said even though it really didn’t. He supposed Brandt was being nice, not giving Shane’s room away. At the same time, though, he’d slept almost all of the last few weeks in Brandt’s bed, and he couldn’t help but notice that Brandt wasn’t keen on volunteering that information to Shelby.

“None of this makes sense.” Leaning forward, Brandt twisted his fingers as he studied the worn floor.

“Yeah.” On that they could agree. And no way could he see Brandt this distressed and not touch him. He rubbed Brandt’s back lightly. “What are you going to do?”

“Hell if I know. Shelby wasn’t exactly chatty after you left. I fed her some chicken and rice, but she barely ate before she fell asleep on the couch.” Brandt dipped his head so Shane could continue his massage easier. “I called Cameron once she was asleep. She offered to meet with us tomorrow even though it’s usually her day off.”

“Think Shelby will go for that?” Shane kept working at Brandt’s knotted muscles, trying to give him whatever relief he could.

“No clue.” Groaning, Brandt grimaced.

“You sure you want custody?” That was unquestionably the best solution for Jewel, but he hated seeing the toll all this was taking on Brandt. If Shelby dug in her heels, this wasn’t going to be easy on any of them.

“You have to ask?”

“No. Not really.” Shane sighed because he had known the answer and because this was a long road Brandt was choosing. “You’re a damn good dad, Brandt.”

“Thanks.” Turning, Brandt touched his forehead to Shane’s.

“I want you to win,” Shane whispered, taking the opportunity to hold his shoulders. “Regardless of what that means for us.”

“Not sure there are any winners here.”

There certainly were losers though, and Shane was likely to be one. He could accept that if it meant a safe future for Jewel, but he didn’t have to like it.

Even as his chest ached even worse than earlier, he tried to keep his voice steady, not petulant. “You know what I mean. I want what’s best for Jewel. And you.”

“You matter too.” Brandt gathered him close, strong arms coming around Shane and their cheeks resting together. Close enough to kiss, but that wasn’t what this was about. Instead, they inhaled and exhaled in unison, long breaths where music swelled in Shane’s head and all he could do was hold fast to Brandt, try to keep this moment as long as he could. But it couldn’t last, and Brandt seemed to know that too, slumping against Shane.

“I think I’m going to head to Portland.” He hadn’t realized he’d decided until he said the words aloud. And maybe he’d known since Shelby’s arrival that that was the only thing that made sense for him. But damn if it didn’t feel like defeat, like heading off to lick his wounds while he settled for the thing he wanted second-best. Brandt needed space to work out his own future, and Shane’s anger at Shelby wasn’t helping anyone. So he’d go.

“Good.” Sitting back up, Brandt nodded firmly.

“That eager to have me gone?” Fuck. This hurt even more than he’d thought it might.

“Don’t be ridiculous. I’m gonna miss you.” Brandt cupped Shane’s face, calloused fingers rubbing against the stubble there. The truth of his words shone in his eyes, which were puddles of unhappiness, not of their usual humor. “But it’s the best thing for you.”